ASK EMO
by Christopher D Salyers

Most of the people who e-mail me don't write in with questions regarding their lovers, their relationships, or even their teen-angst, stress-induced pile-ups of agitation, titillation, and turmoil. Nope, none of that stuff. Yet THAT IS WHAT I'M PAID TO DO HERE AT DEEK, PEOPLE! Read the fine print, and take advantage of the free therapy sessions! I'm here for you. And you..and you, too (I was pointing to the woman behind you, not you, sir.).

Oddly enough, the number one concern of all my readers seems to be EMO STYLE.

And to that I have three words for you all: Vintage Moon Boots. Navy blue with a brown, orange, and yellow stripe down the side. They're comfy. They're stylin.' They were only $35 on eBay.

Rejoice!

- ASK EMO

Emo-

Is it true that girls are only attracted to jerks? Conversely, do boys prefer bitches to sweet, thoughtful chicks?

- Cathleen Cueto

New York , NY

This is the age-old question dating back to the early days of Emo. Sunny Day Real Estate sang about it in "Song About An Angel" off of Diary. Think about these words: "You're married to that/You're married to that/You're married to your pain." With this wisdom in mind, I've developed two theories to help ease you to an answer.

Theory One - The Drama Theory. The gist of this is that some people need to have drama in their lives. Ever see a group of gals talking outside on a cigarette break? Usually one of them is bitchin' about a fella or two, and if you look close enough, or often enough, you're going to catch another member of the bunch looking and feeling left out. This look is key, for this is a woman who craves drama. In her situation, in her lifestyle, she'd be perfectly content with some asshole that gives her the love sausage followed by a swift backhand to the jugular. This would give her a) an orgasm and b) something to talk to the girls about at work the next day, making her the supreme center of attention. Does anyone have an extra cigarette?

Theory Two - The "Inner Being" Theory. This initially seems the less likely of the two theories, but further study proves it to be just as common. The idea involves a moron, an asshole, and a moron who thinks the asshole is really not an asshole because the asshole acts not like an asshole when the two of them are alone, thus creating a false hope in a false image of the asshole, and leading to phrases such as "he's not really like that" and "only when [so and so] is around." Got it? Good. And if you ever see another soul responding to a relationship like this, then head for the hills - it's just not worth your time in 911 Friend Support.

Hope I've been of some help, Cueto.

Dear Emo,

I turned 30 this year, and suddenly fear getting old. And dying. And living a washed-up, has-been life, past my prime. I know looking like an old man is cool in some circles, but I usually like to beat up on the kids that try to cop my grandpa's style.

What can I do to hold on to my youth? Stay strapping? Forever fresh? On it..?

Dirty Thirty

Thirty, its hard coming to grips with your age. We all go through it (some worse than others), and we all experience the additions of wrinkles, extra hair, and shrinkage in places you wouldn't normally expect. I of course am not referring to myself, for I am nowhere near the old, decrepit, diaper-wearing mall-walker that you claim to be.

People get old - you have to deal with that. And the best way to do it is to start buying all of your clothes at Sears and eating three full meals a day. These two things alone will introduce you into the ways of the aged, and bring about changes in your life you never thought possible.

For the advanced:

Step three: Tivo.

Step four: stop reading Deek. You're far too old for this shit.

Emo-

Years ago I dated this boy who stole my heart. I've since met another, but I've always wondered

what ever happened to my boy in blue, my little adventurer.has he found what he was looking for? Has life found him?

Tara McGrady

Butler , PA

Your boy might now be a man, Tara, and more importantly he might be past the things in his youth that itched him, the things better left forgotten than remembered. He might have found another as well, or perhaps he has taken to a new form of loneliness, one filled with productivity, risk, fear, and friendships. He may be nothing more than a Googled pair of words at this point, but I'm sure there's still a part of him that remains "blue," that retains that same spirit you once found to be so charming.

Then again, he might be some fat fuck walking around his apartment in streaked boxer briefs, a chicken wing in one hand and an issue of Stuff in the other. He could very well be married, or even worse stuck with some floozy he's impregnated, spending every morose second of his existence sucking on frozen margarita's with his second wife's mother-in-law, Selma.

Or he could, quite possibly, be thinking of you-in every way the same way you're thinking about him.