Smokes and Booze for the Common Man
By Ralph "Bucky" Gainsborough

Arturo Fuente Rothschild and THE Glenlivet 12Year

Ever since I can remember, I've been a very competitive and vengeful person. It runs in the family. See, way back in the 17 th Century, my ancestor Algernon and his brother Aethelbert were both brewers in England vying for the elite title of Royal Brewmaster of William III, who was an incomparable alcoholic and would reward the best brewer with vast estates in the New World. On the day of the competition, Aethelbert, knowing that he had the inferior brew, resorted to drastic measures and sabotaged Algernon's royal stock with horse testicles and easily won the title and the estates. My ancestor was never able to prove anything, but everyone knew of Aethelbert's underhanded trick. As the story goes, Aethelbert and his line were able to accumulate vast amounts of wealth and became the richest family in the world in the three centuries that followed. Fucking bastards.

Algernon's family, however, took on a different direction. Devastated by losing the contest, they were forced to travel to the prison colony of Georgia where they were used as entertainers once their brewery was destroyed by a freak accident involving an unruly billygoat and a wheat thresher in the 1740s. Subsequently, the southern Gainsboroughs made quite a name for themselves; producing a long line of successful sword swallowers, midget clowns and bearded ladies that could do flawless impersonations of Ulysses S. Grant.

I, Ralph "Bucky" Gainsborough, was born in 1974 and have made a successful living traveling the eastern seaboard and making sculptures out of sporks and multi-colored "silly straws" and rubbing maple syrup on my head to lure crocodiles out of their ponds so that they can be used for wrestling in Kiln, Mississippi. Furthermore, I keep up a steady hobby of planning to ruin my egregious cousin, Aethelbert J. Gainsborough XVI; long overdue revenge for my forefathers.

Deek found me standing on my head for cash this winter on the streets of Wilmington, Delaware, found out that I had a Gainsborough connection and took me on as a staff writer. My job is great. I get to do my crocodile shit during the day, and at night, Deek pays for me to get drunk, smoke cigars and plot my retribution. Every month, I'll bring you reviews of some of my favorites and some unique ways to enjoy them while smiting your own enemies.

THE Glenlivet ($40.00 Bottle/ $6 Glass)

I'm sure when you looked at the title of the review the first thing that you were wondering is, "Why the fuck is THE capitalized?" This exercise in arrogance began in 1824 when George Smith left the bootlegging trade - one much beloved in my family - to stake the first claim on the veritable Glenlivet corner of the Speyside region of Scotch manufacturing. So, since they were the original, THE Glenlivet is allowed to be as ridiculous as they want in pushing their delicious product to the forefront of their industry. They've certainly earned it.

THE Glenlivet is my preferred nightcap for nearly every occasion. The flavor meshes well with a good cigar and tastes soothingly smooth on or off the rocks. Without a doubt, however, the best application for THE Glenlivet is when it is drunk cascading off the thighs of Scottish women.

(4.5 out of 5 glasses)

Arturo Fuente Rothschild ($5.00)

This cigar is very sneaky and secretive. Although you can get it at any tobacconist in the States, I smuggled one in from Canada in an empty toothbrush sheath just to add to its inherent sneakiness. A quick smoke (35-40min), the Rothschild is a great cigar for quietly judging strangers at the bar or having a drink or three after dinner. But be careful - the taste packs quite a wallop and will knock you on your ass if you don't give it the proper respect. Because of its short stature - a mere 4.5 inches - there aren't a variety of flavors to enjoy, but its quick, strong smoke are equally perfect for a great escape or shotgun wedding celebration. Overall, the rules say that you can never go wrong with Fuente and the Rothschild is just another on their long list of remarkable smokes.

(4 out of five cigars)