Almighty Zeus going door-to-door 

Athens - Almighty Zeus, once the head of the most powerful polytheism in human history, now goes door-to-door trying to convert members to his diminishing religion.

"Membership is at an all-time low," he explained. "The numbers have gone from hundreds to dozens since 2001. I had to do something."

According to recent surveys less than one percent of Greeks still worship the Olympians, who are unified in their hatred of Zeus for having sex with their wives, or with them while they slept.

"I woke up with a [rooster] in my ass," said Demeter, former goddess of the seasons now working as a short-order cook in Tulsa. "He was always into kinky turning-into-an-animal stuff. That incident was the last straw for me."

Almighty Zeus has not denied the charges, but insists it was all part of "a good time religion." He cited a lack of stiff regulations as the main draw to his religion.

"With Christians it's all rules, rules, rules. With me it's party with Dionysus, all-nymph orgies and football on Sundays. All I ask is the occasional monument and half-a-dozen virgin sacrifices," Zeus said, adding. "To be honest, I'd settle for roadkill and a Barely Legal bonfire."

Jesus Christ killed in knife fight 

Madison, Wis. - Authorities report that local schizophrenic Jesus Christ, a.k.a. Gary Reid, 32, was slain in a knife fight behind the Food King on Freeport Road. Reid, who officially changed his name to "Jesus Christ" after returning from military service in the Balkans in 1996, was known to most residents as "Jesus Man." His body was discovered around 9 a.m. on Thursday by Food King employee C.J. Rimbauld.

"It was weird, I was taking out trash and I seen him laying by the dumpster. I yelled 'Jesus' to him," said Rimbauld. "I went over and that's when I saw he was all cut up."

Authorities ruled the cause of death as excessive blood loss from over two dozen small lacerations on his chest, arms and face. A portion of Christ's nose and right ear were found nearby, along with a nine-inch hunting knife.

Pontiff not dead, 'Just Lazy' reveals insider

Vatican City - An anonymous source close to Pope John Paul II has admitted that the allegedly deceased pontiff is in perfect health.

"He is splendid," said the source. "The pope is just feigning death in order to get away from the office. He wants to golf more and goof off with his friends."

The pope is not scheduled to lead Administrative Assistants' Day services for the first time in his reign. According to the source this is also part of the papal plan.

"Leave AA Day for the snowbunnies," he said, referring to Catholics who attend only Easter and Christmas and AA Day mass. "The pope can't call every Catholic and tell them he wants off, so he pretends to be dead or shot from time to time."

The source said the pope will be hiding out in Cardinal Randolph Thomas' treehouse for the next several weeks, unless the Cardinal's parents return from their Australian cruise early.

"That would be a disaster," said the source.