Video Game Reviews

Fable

This XboX RPG is hyped as the best RPG available for XboX. That's like calling Taylor Hanson the most talented musician with the last name "Hanson." Topping a list of losers does not make you a winner. Taylor 's not, and neither is Fable.

The biggest downfall of Fable is its illusion of depth. The game feels enormous at first, until slowly revealing itself to be a self-contained series of mini-maps with no real variations on quests and no surprise discoveries. An average RPGer can blow through this game in less than twelve hours, and the side quests and mini-games lack the addictive power to be distracting. The amazing graphics and fluid controls drive this game, but they drive it too quickly. Foes fall too easily and time flies too fast.

The end result is a game that's a lot of fun to play but doesn't play for long. The lack of any real challenges inside a gorgeous graphics and controls package leaves you feeling unsatisfied. At least you're not Taylor Hanson.

EA Sports Fight Night: Round Two

Easily the worst boxing game ever created. The title, however, smacks of irony. Round Two's addition of a "haymaker" punch, a so-called improvement to the control scheme of its wildly popular predecessor, causes all boxing skill to be replaced by power-punch slugfests that rarely exceed two rounds. Either you go down or your opponent goes down. It sounds fun, but it's more tedious than titillating.

Here's a rundown of how your gaming experience will go. You'll win the first few fights using the combo-oriented style you've learned to use from playing the original Fight Night until a fighter demolishes you with haymaker punches. Then, through a series of frustrating losses brought about by an inadequate and boring training system you'll figure out to use haymaker punches effectively. You'll KO several opponents in the first round, feel like the man, then start losing to better fighters in early rounds. After an hour of this back-and-forth you'll turn the game off and look for your receipt.

Bottom Line: Don't waste your time and money on this game. Read a book or look at porn or find your old copy of Fight Night. You'll thank me in the morning.

Internet Games

Work and school are the leading causes of existential crises. Give your life meaning: exploit the internet. There are plenty of great sites that offer a variety of free, simple games designed to suck you out of your quagmire of doubt and catapult you toward meaning and oneness. Discover your game and you will discover yourself.

Start with ebaumsworld.com. This site hosts a cornucopia of flash games ranging from classic puzzlers like Tetris to the pornographic dating simulators SimGirl and Get This Guy Laid. The arcade junkie in you will get his fix on PacMan, Sonic the Hedgehog and DuckHunt. While these are not as good as their console grandfathers, they will take you to happier places than that stack of paperwork.

If old fogey games are your trade register at Yahoo.com, they're more than just an obsolete search engine. You can find word games like Literati or join bridge clubs and chess matches. Get to know vapid, uninteresting people from around the world and find some self-esteem.

If these options aren't dangerous enough for you, head over to partypoker.com. The leading online site for No-Limit Hold 'Em, you can play for free like a pussy or saddle up and lose your credit rating like a man. Insurmountable gambling debts owed to the same Web site that got you fired will put a little hair on your nuts. It's easier to find once both your legs are broken.