Art Fag (The Beginning of My Robot Adventures)
By Lily Malice, random art critic of the month

As I entered the auditorium, I spotted him immediately - Chico Macmurtrie, The Man With Crazy Long Grey Streaked Hair In Urban Cowboy Pants; the man who would eventually lead me down a trail toward my robot adventures ! Weeee!

He had this total loser all over him, one of those guys who's like "Oh my God, I just love your work, I admire you so much, I've been studying your every move since I was hat ched, blah blah blah." Everything about this kid sucked, from his posture, his glasses (you know the ones: black rims, smallish, square - every graphic designer in the universe has these), to the inflection in his voice. Chico looked like he was in pain because I'm sure he was - he's just one of those guys who doesn't enjoy being idolized; just an artist doing his thing.

So I found my seat and took off my jacket, but I paused standing a few extra moments, because tonight felt like an exhibitionist. I wanted to show off my awesome color coordination skills. With my bright blue shirt, layered with an orange one on top, finished off with a puke green cardigan, I wanted everyone to know that I, Lily Malice! , look retarded, and am proud of it. Goddammit. And then I took my seat. My gesture affected no one.

I continued to stare at Chico a bit longer... I watched him twist his hair up in two swift easy movements... I think this had a lot to do with the hair underneath being shaved; his hair was really wiry. Imagine having a bunch of wires coming out of your head. How easy would it be to sculpt your hairdo? Real easy, jerk.

So yeah. After a while I got bored of Chico's torment and started sinking into the conversations around me. I overheard, for example, this boy trying so desperately to prove his intelligence - one of those types of conversations. I smiled to myself. It must be hard getting lost in this sea of super intelligence. He's just trying to stake his claim in it all. I started wondering how my life would've been different if I'd gone to CMU instead of . wherever I ended up going . Where was it? Ah, fuck it. A lot of thoughts streamed through my head, but they were all kind of useless.

I aborted thinking about this when a group of professors to my left caught my attention. They were so loud, busting with life, so robust and hearty in their laughter, big bushy eyebrows, full fuzzy beards, giant Santa Claus bellies... And then I noticed the woman among them... She seemed so sad, laughing just enough to avoid drawing attention to herself... She was such a disturbing character. I found it kind of funny that initially she was camouflaged so well, virtually invisible in this kooky jungle of vibrant men. But with closer inspection, their jovial laughter faded into oblivion as she became this blinding object. I had to look away.

I found, instead, that the boy in front of me was worthy of my attention. He had lots of interesting rings on. He also had that webbing of flesh between your thumb and forefinger pierced. Instinctively, I manipulated this area on my body scientifically, squeezing it, testing my hypothesis - yes, this sensation makes me feel a little nauseous. And I think if I had a hoop going through that, it would remind me of that feeling all the time . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Okay. Better now.

It took me 2 minutes to find out he was studying to be an art critic, but that he thought much of art's periphery is bullshit - "the language is so ob tu se." And I have to agree. But then you wonder if there is really any remedy for that, considering the nature of art itself... Also, all of that obtuse verbiage only inspires me to see shows with my own two eyes more often. So perhaps it's a good thing. Yes, I think it is. I'm not so disturbed over this like he was... He also seemed like an agitated soul in general. So there's also that.

Wanna be a random art critic/art fag? You can! It's easy! First, go see some art. Pick a piece with help from the Art Department, art@deekmagazine.com. Then write about it. Send your words to words@deekmagazine.com

See? Simple! Do it now!

Information on Chico McMurtrie and the Amorphic Robot Works (including photos and upcoming events/performances) can be found at:

www.amorphicrobotworks.org