Why God Smote Creed
By Niki Holler

Ever since the pseudo-Christian rock band, Creed, broke up in June of '04, diehard Creed fans and Love-to-Hate-Them critics alike have begged the question, "Why, God, why?" Indeed, pray tell, "Why, God?" Well, as a personal messenger of The Good Shepard, Our Father, I have taken the liberty of delivering His message.

God does have a sense of humor, ladies and gentlemen, as He made blatantly obvious by the success of Jesus Christ Superstar , but He can only stand so much. Watching lead singer Scott Stapp perform a disturbing fusion of Eddie Vedder-like vocals and Jesus on the Cross gesticulations was more than He could bear. You can't just go around trying to pass yourself off as a Christian Rock Band, croaking out superficial lyrics over retread "rock" melodies, and expect to get away with it. Sure, God let them twist for a while, but even His patience is finite, and it ran out.

God tried to warn Stapp against impersonating a messenger of His Word, but His admonitions fell on deaf ears. There was that time He didn't let Stapp walk across his indoor pool, or that other time He didn't let him turn his Evian into wine, despite the singer's fervent, weeping prayers. You'd think even the most feeble-minded of His creatures would get the hint, but it never sunk through those gel-infused, stringy locks that, (gasp) He's not Jesus! That's called Hubris. Enjoy your hellfire, Scott.

Furthermore, His Official Highness would like it known that His true messengers will rock, and rock hard . I mean, this Guy created the Earth in six days. The Earth, people. Do you think he'd have any problem making the Beatles sound like a middle-school garage band? I doubt it.

Bottom line, these douche bags had it coming. God looked down from His perch high above, had a conference with Confucius and Jimi Hendrix, and took action. He waved his magic, giant-sized wand over those egotistical, self-propagating narcissists and blew their egos up so much they were insufferable to even each other. Pride goeth before a fall, bitches. Case Closed.