Ask Emo

By Christopher D. Salyers

Recently, a fan going under the moniker "Subterfuge" sent me this little note via e-mail, claiming its legitimacy on the soul merit of "I found it outside a Taking Back Sunday show." It read as follows:

"Our doctrine is to promote not ourselves but our hearts - be it through chords

or melodies or the chants of our practitioners.

For what we are is a reflection

of our loves. Our music is our right and our

means of fighting back."

Subterfuge also demanded this of me:

"Tell me what the shit this shit means and why the shit it was written down and shit."

Well, Subterfuge, the long and the short of it is this - the note you found is just a piece of what is collectively known as the Emo Manifesto. Written a few years ago in the tradition of the Futurist Manifest, the Modernist Manifesto, and the more contemporary Dogma 95 Manifesto, the Emo Manifesto represents the living life-laws of Emo music. This text has somehow managed to stay underground for years - unfortunately, with the rise and subsequent popularity of Emo music, much of these words are susceptible to scrutiny as their messages slowly rise to the streets. While I can't print more of the Manifesto here (for the sake of possibly destroying our music's credibility), I will leave you with a haiku I wrote, in honor of the Emo Manifesto:

Killing me softly,

My hands have become my ears

With big red mittens.

Okay. Now on with the letters.

Emo ,

I used to date the drummer from the Juliana Theory, and now I feel that the other men I date just don't live up. Should I try to date another member of the band or should I just try to get over my lost love?

Amanda Die

Pittsburgh , PA

Amanda, I can totally sympathize with your Rockstar dilemma - about two years ago I met Karen O. from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs while standing in the stairway at Club Laga. Needless to say she flirted with me in line... and yet, to this day, do you think she's ever once returned one of my letters or answered any one of my bulletin board posts? Of course not. Rockstars, Amanda, are only concerned with one thing: other Rockstars. And until you yourself become a Rockstar, you'll have to come to grips with the fact that you can only do members of local bands, not those playing nationally (or internationally, for that matter). So slap some shit on your face and head to the Warsaw or Mr. Smalls. They're waiting for you.

Dear Emo,

Hi! My name is Allison and I'm an eighth grade student at Butler High School . I have a new English teacher this fall who kinda freaks me out because I think I remember seeing him at a Get-Up Kids show. He's tall and skinny with short brown hair and his name's Mr. Randolph. Oh, and he's a white guy. Is Mr. Randolph one of those child pedophiles?

Allison

Butler , PA

Allison, let me begin by asking you two quick questions: have you recently watched "Capturing the Friedmans " on DVD, and do you think this has anything to do with your imagination? Your teacher, Mr. Randolph, might be a perfectly normal music lover - if he's at a Get-Up Kids show then he must know good music! Appreciate his taste, and compliment him next time you pass him in the hall or see him in the cafeteria. And if he responds with any sort of ignorance, then he was probably just at the show to pick up his kid. That, or he thought the Get-Up Kids was some kind of child porn title... My vote? Make bank off the oldhead. Make a documentary about him and you'll sell it to distributors for millions.

Dr. Emo,

Is Alkaline Trio and emo band or a pop-punk band?

I'm confused.

yellowbrikrhodes@yahoo.com

Good question, Yellow. Alkaline Trio is a pop-punk band that signed with Vagrant, an emo record label. Then Alkaline started touring with acts such as Hot Rod Circuit and Down to Earth Approach. It was during this period that they "became" Emo, without so much as changing one note of their signature sound. How'd they do it, you ask? Well, Emo music is what's popular, and it's what their label wants to promote. So that is now what they are. Fortunately for Vagrant, the fellas over in Alkaline Trio also like that "gothy" look in their layouts and screen prints, setting them slightly apart from the other more Vintage-1969-Gap -looking Emo bands. This is why you'll still see lots of Alkaline Trio stuff next to the AFI, Emily, and " Nightmare Before Christmas" gear in Hot Topic. So are they a pop-punk band on an Emo label with a Goth image? Yes indeed. But let's just call them Emo, shall we?

Christopher D. Salyers is a Brooklyn-based writer, biter, and agrarian street fighter.

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