SHOPPING WITH THE SCIENCE FICTION IDOLS

By Melissa Meinzer

Hey Teens! Your intrepid cub reporter (me, sillies!) got the chance to get the skinny on those glam-rock dreamboats, the Science Fiction Idols! Let me just tell you, it's Science Fiction Fact that they are way cuter up close and in person that you'd ever realize just from reading their neat-o Web site, elbowing your way to the front row of all their shows, and lurking around the South Side hope hope hoping, fingers double-crossed and lucky barrette in hair, to spot one buying toothpaste at Eckerd on Carson Street, and possibly leaving a stray hair or two behind.

After all, they are Idols!

But there was no need for that kind of behavior on this girl's happiest night ever. That's right, lucky-duck Yours Truly got to meet all four of her Idols, and go on an all-out shop-till-you-drop spree with those hunks - okay, shop-till-the-mean-store-lady-kicked-us-out spree, but still. I got all the dirt, and Teens, I mean all of it.

Is Angel O. taking hormones? Has he sprouted another leg? Is that why he stopped wearing pants? Did Harrison almost make Gary leave the store, mortified? Has Gary lost his taste for butterflies? Did Bobby wear parachute pants in high school?

All this, and more, in one enchanted evening at some thrift store on the South Side.

The first to meet Yours Truly and Shutterbug Nate out front were drummer Angel O. and guitarist and singer Gary Strutt. Up close and personal, they made my little heart go pitter-pat. In we went, with Angel O. charging right in.

"The first rule is to start in the ladies' department," ol' pro Ang advised. "The blouses have the best taper. Some guys can't wear it because they're big Pittsburgh choads. That's a problem. For them."

Tee hee, poor choads. If you want to bite the Idols' inimitable style, well, don't! You can't! But if you want to try, look for colors and textures that stand out among the mishmash of super-cool threads for sale.

Just a few minutes into the hunt for clingy black blouses with killer details like shiny diamond buttons, bassist Harrison Dray made the scene, finding us fashion-hounds knee-deep in clothes, clothes clothes!

Angel O. found a fetching little Redskins onesie just waiting to be taken home and loved. Like most baby clothes, it was all of about 18 inches long.

"Hey, I donated this a few months ago," Angel O., the good thing in a small package, said.

"He's been taking hormones," Harrison added.

Uh oh. That's no good. Angel O., if you have a problem, get help now, before you quadruple in size again. Seriously, your fans love you, and we only want you to be healthy. Don't take any more freakish-growth hormones, 'kay? Kisses.

"When you're built like me, it's kinda tough," he said.

"Yeah, Mr. Tripod," Harrison added.

Hey, Harrison, if Angel O. is having some kind of medical problem as a result of his dabbling with hormones, don't you think you oughta keep it quiet? I mean, come on! He's your friend! If he has a third leg, he's hiding it well and obviously wants to guard his secret.

"I don't even mess with pants. I don't usually do pants," Angel O. said as the lads headed for the trouser section.

Oh no. Drugs, an extra leg, and exhibitionism? Teens, let's all keep Angel O. in our prayers, 'kay?

At least Gary still wears pants - at least most of the time, winkie winkie! We cruised the dungarees, searching for something worthy of the cutie.

"Butterflies don't catch my eye," he said, rejecting a super-cute pair of jeans with a butterfly appliqué that Yours Truly, ever hopeful, pointed out to him. WHATever, your earrings don't even match and your nail polish is chipped. I think butterflies would have been great on Gary , but what do I know about being a rock star? Not a whole lot, I guess.

"I'm looking for stars instead of polka dots because it's just badass, ya know?" Gary asked. Obviously, I do not.

Finally, Big Boss Bobby LaMonde, on guitars and vocals, joined us. I wonder why he was late? As a rock star, I'm sure he doesn't have anything as silly as a day job to worry about. Probably he just got mobbed at the door by Teens seeking autographs! Down, Teens, be nice.

He stepped right up to Angel O. and gave him a good hug.

"This guy, everything fits him!" Bobby said. "Ang got me this shirt. He always finds me stuff here."

I guess it takes a guy like Bobby to give the sort of positive reinforcement Ang needs to keep away from hormones and keep his pants on.

So what were they like before being Idols, Teens? Guess who found out? Me, tee hee!

"Since high school, the first words are either faggot or homo or 'What the hell is that?'" poor Harrison said. "My father used to say, 'what the hell is that, boy?' I wore stuff just to please my mother."

Just like in high school, he still gets carded when he tries to buy grown-up drinks.

"It's the pretty-boy thing," he figured.

Pretty in the best possible way, Harrison; and I think I speak for legions of Teens on this one!

Did Gary think hard about his clothes when he was a Teen like us?

"Maybe not in high school," he admitted. "I come from suburbia, we had our uniforms depending on our clique." Don't we know that one! "I wasn't real fashion conscious in 11 th grade."

Well that was just aeons ago, wasn't it? I bet you didn't have the courage for that just dishy blue eyeliner way back then, huh? Way to grow!

Bobby and Angel O. go way way back, before they even were Teens!

"We went to Central Catholic, tried to be as stylish as possible," Bobby said. "Skinny leather ties, much to my mother's chagrin. I don't look back on that proudly. It was the 80's." Don't feel bad, Bobby! Yours Truly's mommy was still dressing her in orange bunny dresses then. Everybody hurts, sometimes.

"You wore parachute pants, that's fuckin' sad!" said Gary . Hey, let him get past it, why doncha?

It's not all Rock and Roll awesomeness for the boys, Teens. Tempers flared and crimes were nearly committed during our shop-a-thon.

Angel O. found a super-cool belty thing, but it almost encouraged him to seedy ways.

"I don't know what the fuck it is, it's an accessory," he said of the black leather fringey dealy. "Tie it like this, it's cool as shit. No price tag? I could just tie it on me, nobody would know the damn difference." Oh, Angel O. Role model, anyone?

"That wouldn't be honest," he said as he headed up to the register. Whew. Role model indeed. I feel so much better.

"You've changed, man," Gary said. Hey, guess what, Polka-Dots? Not everyone has to be badass all the time! Maybe it's a change for the better! Maybe you oughta simmer down! Maybe you're just angry at Harrison .after all. he is wearing the same shirt as you.

"I almost went home; I was all pissed," Gary said. "We have on the same fuckin' Cheap Trick shirt."

I found out a seedy secret about Bobby, too. If you don't want to know, skip the next paragraph, okay?

"Sometimes you can secretly find stuff at the mall," he admitted. Don't say I didn't warn you. "All my leopard blankets and pillows are from Target. The Target pillows all have the do-not-remove tags on." At least somebody in the band never thinks about breaking the law.

After all the spats and bitterness, though, the Idols are still friends at the end of the day. Later, over bubble-gum and soda pop a few doors down, they kicked back and laughed and talked about gigs coming and gone.

Angel O. might be the troubled one, but he's the fashion cornerstone of the fantastic foursome. And Gary may crack wise a bit too often, but his passion keeps the flames going. Without Bobby to lead and inspire his motley crew, they'd just be another bunch of Pittsburgh glam-rock dolls. And Harrison ? Harrison may have only been around a short while, but he's the friendly glue that keeps it all together, in his Gabriel Bros. gold lame.

Yours Truly will never forget her enchanted evening. I learned about music, friendship, personalities, and most of all, fashion. I think Angel O. summed up our fall evening best:

"Fall is always cool. Lotta options," he said. "Boy George said, 'Heat is the enemy of fashion.' I never forgot that. It's like fuckin' poetry."

Fuckin' poetry indeed, Teens. Fuckin' poetry indeed.

Find out more about the latest adventures of the most stylish, delicious band around at www.sciencefictionidols.com and tell ‘em Melissa sent you! Kisses!