SAVE THE MUSIC: ONE CHILD AT A TIME

By Adam Corwin

"I believe that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way," singeth the honorable Whitney Houston in her tear-jerking pop masterpiece. If we were to follow Mrs. Bobby Brown's sacred wisdom, perhaps we could ensure that crappy music never again has to enter our ear drums. As the individual emboldened to step up and take the challenge of leading that oh-so-sacred "way," I think that we can make the horrific world of music a better place in 20 simple steps.

With nothing to draw upon except my days past in a low-rent anarcho punk band and a taste I consider unmatched by mere mortals, it's time to fix music by looking toward new aspiring musicians and concert goers. The plan is not difficult. but each word must be read and pondered to gain its full understanding. Only then can we hope to have a better tomorrow permeating the vast expanse of musicdom.

Consider:

1. If your band takes more than 15 minutes to set up and you're not Metallica, go home. Your set will probably suck, anyway.

2. If you, or the guitarist in your band, have so many effects pedals that the amount of electricity required could power a third-world country, then they can't possibly be being used in a skillful fashion. Learn to use one well and it would suit you better.

3. If your name is not Robert Smith, don't whine about angst - it's boring and the market has already been cornered.

4. If you appreciate, or are in, a band that is in its 20's or 30's and still singing about girls lost in High School, get a life - it's time to move on.

5. If someone has already done something better than you, admire it. Learn from it. Be inspired by it. Then, be creative and do something new.

6. If you are ready to record a song that will be "all the craze" in the hottest dance clubs, sell your equipment immediately. If this fails to rectify the situation, proceed to the highest object available and promptly jump off of it (The Fort Pitt Bridge comes to mind. Steel Building, too).

7. Pop Punk is the devil. Ex: Blink 182, New Found Glory, Good Charlotte, Avril Laigvine (I don't care if I spelled it wrong; she's that insignificant) et al. They don't have anything to do with punk music. If you like those bands, then you have inadvertently become the devil's minion, not to mention a tasteless sheep.

8. Before you begin a career in hip-hop, lock yourself into a room for 24 hours with only Public Enemy and Boogie Down Productions music before you proceed. No one needs more "in da club, bitches and ho's, low rid-ah" shit.

9. If you do not speak well, chances are, you will not rap well either.

10. If you think that Paris Hilton recording a CD is a "cool" idea, see #6 and advance immediately to the last step.

11. If you are about to call someone a sell-out or a poseur, stop and consider! If your parents bring you to shows and you do not pay your own bills then you have no right to cast such judgments.

12. Learn to play your instruments. Like the old adage says, "Polishing a turd will only yield a turd in return."

13. All genres of music have good artists, so find them. Don't be so close-minded as to denounce an entire style. Unless it's Pop Punk.

14. If you buy your "punk" clothes at Hot Topic, you are probably not a punk.

15. If it takes you an hour to put your mohawk or liberty spikes up before a show, something is wrong.

16. If a band you like, or are in, has ever lip-synched in order to concentrate on their dance moves, stop participating in music. Go "serve" someone in a dance competition.

17. If you are at a show and wait to see how everyone else reacts before you get involved with the band on stage, have some courage and stand up for what you like, instead of what others are telling you is cool.

18. If you want to be a Rockstar, spare us all, please, and stop.

19. Going to a show and getting drunk so you can mosh makes "cock rock," not fans. Save it for Lamda alpha whatever-the-fuck fraternity letter party you are planning to attend on Saturday after the game.

20. Your band probably isn't as good as you think it is.

With these words, I offer a bright tomorrow with hope for the future. May the bodies of those flung off high altitudes serve as a reminder that change starts with our children. For music and humanity's sake, let us not create, nor participate in, crappy music anymore. And, most importantly: May Whitney Houston be with you.