Advice

Ask Emo
By Christoper D. Saylers

So I’m here in my lawn chair, in my kitchen, sipping a whiskey sour through one of those multi-colored, curly straws. Each month I spend a night or two like this – sifting through your letters, reading your e-mails, taping your photographs to my fridge, and sniffing your perfume-scented stationery… typical, advice-columnist behavior. But I’ll digress.

This winter, my heart goes out to one reader in particular: Joe. Joe shared with me an amazing story about overcoming an addiction and facing his fears head-on. I won’t tell you all of it, but some paraphrasing is in order: To begin, Joe is a miner’s son, raised by the working class. But Joe isn’t like them. Joe doesn’t like eating french fries on his salad. He enjoys walking upright, and has pride in the way he properly pronounces “Washington.” He isn’t into t-shirts with crudely drawn images of Ben Rothlesburger or Point Park. No sir. What Joe does enjoy, the one thing that enables him to still fit in, to still function within his blue collar circle…is beer. You see, Joe is a metroalcohosexual, and he must deal with that day to day.

So, Joe, this month I will be your sponsor. I will lift your leg and carry it across the sidewalk. I will do this without it looking gay, in a cute way, one that will get girls to like us and think we’re funny. Together our three feet shall take us directly to the bar of your choice (as long as it’s Dee’s). To everyone else out there: Turn on Armor For Sleep and drink up.

Your One, Your Not-So-Only, Emo

Emo Jagoff:
Why does my boyfriend’s sperm taste bitter? Give me more ways to make sperm taste good.
– Annie H.
Carroll Gardens, NYC

Annie, the taste of a man’s lovejuice (I’m told) can be altered or affected by certain foods in his diet. Does he eat a lot of garlic or onions? This could be a factor in his sperm tasting like Olive Garden. Are you felating his penis when you give him head? This could be a factor in his sperm tasting like dick. But yes: The average male manufactures some 400,000,000,000 sperm in his lifetime. Think of your boyfriend as a chef: Sometimes his cooking will be dead on, the way you like it. Sometimes it’ll be too salty, or sour, or sweet. Chef’s aren’t perfect. If you want to try a change, slip healthy doses of raisins into his diet. Tell him it’s “healthy candy.”

You know, in the Japanese town of Nagoya, a fortuneteller named Kaho claims she can tell you your future by sucking you off (I just couldn’t resist that little fact!). Next time you go down on him, refuse to swallow. When he objects, tell him “I see, in your future, more fruit in your diet.” You’ll be amazed at what a man will do for a little head.

Dear Emo,
Recently, my roommate left a used condom in the sink. So I locked him out of the apartment for one night, then let him back in. But he didn’t take the thing out the sink for over a week after the incident. Should I get emo on him and do something in revenge? Or should I move on with my life and venture to a much cooler, youthful, side of Brooklyn?
– Krts Krooklynite
www.myspace.com/krts

Krts, first off, I don’t know if revenge is necessarily “emo.” Perhaps it is, I dunno. I would, if I were in your situation, aggressively scratch at the man’s eyeballs and send a blow or two to his forehead. But that’s just me.

Your letter brings up a world of concern regarding cleanliness and proper roommate behavior. If you’re getting some (in the kitchen or wherever) and you’re done with the condom, wouldn’t the trash can be the more appropriate place to discard the item? Sure, the sink can be a bin of dishes, insects, and varying degrees of food filth, but does that mean it’s anything similar to the garbage? Of course not. Krts, you were right for being angry about the condom. And perhaps, if you’re able, moving on might be a safe and solid decision. Then again there’s always couples counseling, but that too can be trying and detrimental to your living condition.

My advice to you: Invest in a gas mask, a case of those yellow rubber gloves, and at least seven bottles of 409. Otherwise, move on.

My advice to your roomate, or anyone else in a similar situation: Ride her bareback next time, okay?

Emo asks that you direct all hate-mail to
emo@deekmagazine.com
It doesn’t hurt to write. It only hurts to read.