News Briefs

Compiled from Staff and Wire reports

President Bush dedicates $88 billion to cure homosexuality

 WASHINGTON D.C. - President Bush announced the expenditure of more of his "political capital" on Saturday during a Rose Garden press conference on his new initiative to cure the disease of homosexuality.

"Homosexuality is a silent killer in this country," said Bush. "Without a strong moral fiber this nation risks being torn apart, and this disease is helping to do that. Attacks have recently come from all sides - women's rights, the media, even football isn't safe anymore. The disease of homosexuality is spreading rapidly throughout the population, and there has been no federal funding toward finding a cure since I first learned about it almost thirty years ago. Without adequate treatment, millions, perhaps dozens of millions, will be afflicted with this disease over the next four years."

The money will be spent largely on current research on homosexual penguins that showed they can be sexually reoriented through a series of hormonal injections and mild testicular surgery. Bush hopes to see the research applied to other gay animals, such as dolphins, monkeys and a pair of auto-felating ostriches.

Ashlee Simpson album still awful, subliminally

LOS ANGELES - A recent study by the Subliminal and Psion Institute of Northern California has determined that Ashlee Simpson's debut album, "Autobiography," is still god-awful on a subliminal level.

"From the title track to 'Undiscovered' we detected nothing that even resembles a persuasive subliminal," said Dr. Marco del Rio . "Like the music itself, Simpson's subliminals are essentially amalgamations of subliminals from artists like Avril Lavigne, Tori Amos, and Cyndi Lauper."

Del Rio found no evidence of hidden messages in the subliminals either, and sighed wistfully as he gazed at the sunset and wished for "the days of Satanism and suicide."

Asian only minority missing from PC fast-food employment poster

MILWAUKEE - Jack-in-the-Box inc. revealed its new employment promotions poster on Thursday in a ceremony touting the company's desire to "hire across the board." The poster depicts this slogan, along with a veritable rainbow of gender and race, including a Native American in a motorized wheelchair. Asians, however, are suspiciously absent from the poster, due to be shipped nationwide.

"Our research has shown us that, in fact, Asians make up less than one percent of our employment base, and less than three percent in fast-food employment nationwide," said Barbara Atwater, a spokesperson for Jack-in-the-Box inc. "The handicapped outnumber them almost seven-to-one in employment," she said, adding, "When was the last time you even saw an Asian working at a fast-food restaurant?"

Ninja laments he may be next victim of outsourcing

NEW YORK - Kenji Akimoto, highest ranking assassin of the Red Dagger Clan, fears his job might be the next to go in a growing series of outsourcing moves in the money-for-murder industry.

"I've seen the signs all over the place," said Akimoto. "First, the Silent Crane Gang's sensei laid off his entire ninja pool, choosing to sub-contract the work to Columbian drug lords, then the Deadly Dragon Squad ceased operations and licensed their name to the Indian mafia. What's stopping that from happening to us Red Daggers?"

Ninjas are just the latest field in the long line of U.S. industries that have seen jobs being sent overseas to deal with rising costs. Ninjas have been hit especially hard by the lower-cost guerillas of South American nations, who have benefited greatly from NAFTA.

"I'm not sure what I'll do if the Clan closes up," Akimoto sighed. "I guess I'll have to finally makeup with my brother about that whole 'me-killing-our-master thing' and go in on that karate school down on Seventh Street with him."

Work begins on 'Passion' sequel

HOLLYWOOD, CA - After a stellar worldwide box office performance and critical praise, work has begun on a sequel to this year's hit film, "The Passion of the Christ," announced director Mel "Hell" Gibson in a press conference yesterday for "Passion Harder - The Passion of the Christ II."

The sequel will see major changes from the first film. Gone is Jim Caviezel, who displeased American audiences since no one quite knew who he was. Vin Diesel will now assume the role of Jesus Christ, considered the biggest coup in Hollywood since Val Kilmer took the reigns of Batman from Michael Keaton.

"Diesel is a proven attraction," said Gibson, "and you get a guaranteed strong opening in the international markets with such a marquee star."

Gibson announced an intention to step down as a director and focus on his producer role.

"We've got both the Wachowski Brothers and John Woo very interested this time out," said the Oscar-winner. "I think a more action-oriented film is just what Middle-America is looking for after the more dramatic first film."

Indeed, scribe Kevin Williamson of "Scream"-fame has already completed his treatment of the film, choosing to drop already-established Biblical continuity. Williamson decided to update the Resurrection storyline to have a more timely feel, as Jesus now returns 2,000 years later to help in the U.S.-led War on Terrorism. Jesus will lead a crack commando squad on a final hunt for Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. Joining Diesel in the film will be Jaime Kennedy as a mousy, joking computer expert and Ving Rhames as a no-nonsense, gay, hand-to-hand combat expert.

In a bid to attract more female viewers, the Lord and Saviour also finds love this time out in a quirky romantic subplot involving Christ falling for the President's outgoing and rebelious daughter, to be played by Beyonce Knowles.

"Passion Harder" is set for a holiday 2006 release.

Gods Gets DVD Player

HEAVEN - Almighty God reportedly purchased a DVD player this past weekend at a local Target location. God apparently had been considering the purchase since seeing one in use at the home of his son, Jesus Christ, during a Christmas Day visit.

"The kid's had one of those things for a few years now, but I hadn't seen it used 'til that day when he showed me Elf," said the most powerful being in the universe. "I was simply blown away by the amazing picture quality. I just wish I had more time to see the special features, but I had to leave before his mom showed up. You know how awkward running into those one night stands can be."

God said he is already pondering the purchase of a new 27" television to go along with the new player.

"You know I have the ol' 20" set for the living room, but maybe it's time to go bigger," said the Creator of All Things. "Heck, maybe I'll even get one of those cool stereo systems to watch Star Wars on."

Amongst God's first DVD purchases were Fahrenheit 9/11, Xena - The Complete Third Season, and Mean Girls.