The Golden Testicle Award
For nearly a decade, our good friends at Capital of Nasty (insert retarded Canada joke here) have been consistently surfing the World Wide Web for the strangest material they can find. And they’ve found some pretty interesting stuff. But every month or so, they’ll run into sites (and news stories) that are just a little stranger, and a little more outlandish than anything else they discover.
These sites deserve attention.
They deserve recognition.
They deserve awards!
And thus, The Golden Testicle Award was created. So, in honor of Capital of Nasty, and all the wonderful information flowing through the internet, we bring you The Best of the Golden Testicle. Enjoy
Got something you wanna add to the Golden Testicle? E-mail your suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks to Leandro at Capital of Nasty. Check out www.con.ca for more.
1) PEZ mp3
“My name is Pat Misterovich. I am a stay-at-home dad with a one-person company. Last summer I had this thought, “Wouldn’t it be cool if there was an MP3 player that looked like a PEZ dispenser?” You see, I had been reading this article about a guy who had turned an Altoids tin into iPod speakers. Out of curiousity I thought I would ask PEZ if they might be willing to license their brand for such a thing. To my astonishment they didn’t think I was crazy.”
2) Tonya Harding Fantasy (There are 1512 fantasy stories and messages, and they’re all about Tonya Harding)
“We jumped in, Tonya driving and together we tore through town, passed Carl’s Gas Station, then down a long country road with tons of money, Tonya’s tits bouncing‚ and the sound of a siren wailing somewhere in the distance. We took a corner hard and a hubcap spun loose, disappeared off into a ditch on my right. I’d had a lot of breaks in my life, none good. And now I had resorted to bank robbery. What a life. Maybe not perfect but then again‚ Tonya had joined me, good or bad. Perhaps my luck would change.”
3) Pedophilia and Star Trek
“In fact, Star Trek paraphernalia has so routinely been found at the homes of the pedophiles they’ve arrested that it has become a gruesome joke in the squad room … This does not mean that watching Star Trek makes you a pedophile. It does mean that if you’re a pedophile, odds are you’ve watched a lot of Star Trek.
4) Unicef bombs the Smurfs in fund-raising campaign for ex-child soldiers
“The people of Belgium have been left reeling by the first adult-only episode of the Smurfs, in which the blue-skinned cartoon characters’ village is annihilated by warplanes.”
5) Cuddle Party
“In a society that is increasingly touch-phobic, many of us aren’t getting our Recommended Daily Allowance of welcomed touch. For many people, the only options for getting their touch needs met consist of paying for a massage, having a drunken hookup or getting a pat-down from airport security. Cuddle Parties seek to change that in a way that’s conscious, healthy and nutritious.”
6) List of films ordered by uses of the word “fuck”
Winners include The Big Lebowski, Casino, Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat, Born on the Fourth of July, and The Devil’s Rejects, which averaged a whopping 5.14 “fucks” per minute.
7) Atheists of Silicon Valley
“How are people supposed to know that Atheists in fact do grow up to be the best kinds of American citizens every day – if we aren’t visible? Atheists of Silicon Valley is reclaiming the A-word in our community by encouraging local Atheists to come out of the closet and be open with friends, co-workers, neighbors and family. We’re standing up and speaking out. 14% of Americans and 19% of Californians identify themselves as some kind of non-believer. We may be a minority, but we’re sizable and growing. According to the American Religious Identification Survey, Americans who answered “none” when asked to identify their religion numbered 29.4 million in 2001, more than double the 14.3 million in 1990.”
8) Banana Guard
“Are you fed up with bringing bananas to work or school only to find them bruised and squashed? Our unique, patented device allows for the safe transport and storage of individual bananas letting you enjoy perfect bananas anytime, anywhere!”
9) The Deviant Desires Manifesto
“We believe that no matter how bizarre the details, sexual fantasies contain dramas and conflicts that are universal. Part of the fun in meeting new deviants is to discover their idiosyncratic ways of mixing and matching symbols from popular culture, literature or mythology, with elements of their own childhood and environment to make a narrative that condenses intense personal meaning with ecstatic sexual pleasure.”
10) What Is Victorias Secret?