ESSAY

GOD ONLY KNOWS
BY ROB ROSSI

With every day passing in this presidential election I become more convinced that God does indeed exist. And here’s the rub: G-shizzle (to his peeps, whomever they may truly be) is one apathetic puppy.

How else to explain the two major party candidates chasing Lady Liberty’s love? Only the Higher Power could give its children free will to select one of these dull knifes to cut the meat (life), potatoes (liberty) and the apple pie (pursuit of happiness).

Start with Mr. President, who I’m told I can trust because he’s the sort of fella with whom I could comfortably engage in casual conversation over a few beers at any South Side pub. Right – and I want to marry a Miss Pretty who reminds me of Mom. Never cared to understand the logic – or considerable lack thereof – behind such thinking; my President should have better things to do than buy me drinks. At the very least he should have that much in common with the Miss Pretties who, like Mom, won’t pay me a hint of attention when I’m down 0-2 in the count.

And anyway, shouldn’t the Leader of the Free World have enough clout to score drinks on the house? (Scotch, Dubbya – aged, the expensive stuff.)

President Bush is no more qualified to run this country than a lapdog, which is exactly what some liberals would have you believe he is. I couldn’t disagree more. In fact, what scares me most about George W. Bush is that I honestly think most of his foreign and financial follies are of his own making, not those of Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld. He’s the proverbial kid in the candy store, yeah – but how many of those kids are running the candy store?

Don’t get me wrong: I like Mr. President well enough – just not enough to re-elect him, but this is mostly because as a Republican who believes in conservatism I think the guy makes for a lousy representative leader of my chosen political party. Plus, you know, he can’t say nuclear and that really does scare me.

Then again, he’s not John Kerry – and such would be good enough to get my vote in almost any election year. Just not this election year. (There isn’t enough space in this fine publication for my anti-Kerry feelings; in a word: Everything.)

According to misinformed – which is to say, mostly everybody in the media – the national presidential election of 2004 is a watershed moment in our nation’s history. And while I can’t find one reputable source to tell me why he who wins this election will suddenly change America forever, I have decided to cast my vote while keeping such impending importance in mind.
As for who gets my vote – an important vote, to be sure (see: Florida 2000); I just can’t say as of yet.

But G-shizzle knows that neither George W. Bush nor John Kerry are worthy of my time. In fact, I’m pretty sure that they’re not much worthy of his (or hers), either.

God bless us, one and all.