UNDERAPPRECIATED SCHOLAR

MAY THE TIME BE NOT DISTANT
BY SID STARK

I’ve heard all the arguments. The two-party system is a sham, just a bunch of rich people stealing money from working stiffs, all politicians are thieves, et cetera. I’m not going tell you that these perceptions do not have any basis in fact. In fact, in most instances over the last thirty years or so, I would be screaming as loudly as I could that “public service” is a sham, that each and every person who deigns to “nip at the public trough” does so with self-interest in mind.

But not this time.

Yes, both Presidential Candidates are rich (one turning the blessed union of souls into a corporate merger), male, white, and Ivy-League-educated. I’ll grant you that.

More importantly in this case, however, is the notion that, like Alice wandering through the forest with the Cheshire Cat, we find ourselves at a fork in the road. Unlike Alice though, the path that we choose will have a great effect, both on each of us individually and on all of us collectively.

In my years of following Presidential politics, I have never been so concerned about the course our nation – and the social fabric of that nation – might find for itself if the wrong candidate wins.

“FOUR MORE YEARS!” would be a disaster of epic proportions. I can’t say it more simply that that.

Much is made of the incumbent’s slacker background – graduating with Honors in Advanced Cocktail Hour from Yale University. Besides, now that he is a Certified Bible-Thumper, the incumbent has been cured of his profligate ways by the Faith Healer. Hallelujah for that.

While we’re at it, we can leave aside each candidate’s professional background and their individual paths to the Presidential candidacy. Kerry served honorably in Vietnam, and the incumbent did his part, too – working hard to get Dad’s cronies to pretend that he had shown up for duty. While Kerry was working hard in the Senate, the incumbent worked the family business – doing the Saudi Royal Family’s bidding in oil distribution channels.

One more thing we can leave aside is each candidate’s honesty and integrity. The incumbent says that Kerry “flip-flops.” Quite a charge from a man who has changed his rationale for sending troops to Iraq more times than Madonna changes religions. The incumbent did a terrific job of finding weapons of mass destruction amid the dunes around Baghdad. Granted, Saddam was a true S.O.B. as a ruler, but that was only after the U.S. Government got done propping him up in his war with Iran in the 80’s. And what of the terrorists? Tom Ridge has done a first-rate job in Securing Our Homeland. As an expatriate Pittsburgher living near Washington, I can tell that whenever Ridge talks, no one listens. They have cried “Wolf!” so often with their Terror Threat Color Chart that no one bothers anymore.

Have you seen Osama bin Laden? I’m waiting to see his picture on a milk carton.

The germane issue is quite simple. Unfettered by concerns of re-election, what might the incumbent and his “peeps” try during a second term in office?

Let’s look at an issue near and dear to the hearts of many people: civil liberties. The party that “hates big government” wants government in places where it has never been before. The incumbent party has already expressed its intention, to reverse Roe v. Wade. Where one stands on the issue of availability of abortions is far less material than the question of whether or not it should even be an option. To deny the availability of the option widens the gender gap and increases the likelihood of loss of adult life from clandestine performance of the procedure. It’s not up to the government; it’s up to the people involved!

The incumbent, and the Oil Barons for whom he works, have never met a drilling site they didn’t like. They have already redefined the model for systematic protection of the environment, leaving the landowners to police themselves. That would be like leaving the Iraqi “insurgents” with all the power there…Oh, that’s right. They already did that, too.

If you have children, the All Children Left Behind Act has been a big success. And it’s a good thing this Administration doesn’t believe in Unfunded Mandates, where they require states to do things without giving them the money to do them. They neglected to fund their education initiative to the level that it requires, and have instituted a series of reforms designed to encourage teachers to teach children to regurgitate rather than to think.

Furthermore, the incumbent has had a man serving as his Attorney General who is clearly a progressive thinker. John Ashcroft thinks dancing is a sin. Clearly, such a visionary truly deserves to take his place among the foremost jurors of our nation’s history on The Supreme Court of the United States of America. Perfect place for him, no?

Last, but certainly not least: I’m glad you have a job. You do have a job? Right?

So you can tell all the disaffected and apathetic voters you know to park all that stuff at the polling place door as they go in. Our Constitution depends on it.

A transplanted Pittsburgher living in Washington, DC, Sid Stark graduated from Allderdice HS in 1977, UPenn in 1981 and received a Masters in Education from Pitt in 2000. Currently, he teaches high school English/Drama; the result of a daring mid-life crisis.

His political pontification and bombast are credited to two decades in the business world.