-RAQUALE PEPPER

Dear Deek,
So, i think the sun is setting on my finest hour and soon i will have to join the work force, but for now i’m just reading books, bathing excessively and ...geez it really seems like that list should be three things long, but I’m racking my brain here.

-LAUREN USHER

Dear Deek,
Absolutely fucking horrible. I’m suggesting you be shot.

-BYATE NOGINSHARVUNKLE (on an art submission Stroud commissioned about assassinating Air Bud, the superdog (Tagline: He Sits. He Stays. He Shoots. He Scores. He is brutally murdered.)

Dear Deek,
Dude, after I came back from watching elephants do it, I got 90 (yes, actually 90) e-mails about my column because…it’s on the Drudge Report. Holy crap.

-MELISSA MEINZER

Dear Deek,
Here is a list of all the things Deek is, in response to Nate’s request for “a list of all the things Deek means and/or is.” It is a short list, but I believe in brevity.

outrageous
efficacious
prodigious
intransient
meritorious
redoubtable
darkandsexylikeCliveOwenbutmuchfunnier
rendezvous
A ha!

-EMILY AVENT

OK, Whatever,
As for my signature A) I got it from Esquire, which I started reading while with my ex-fiance, but liked it so much I subscribed after we broke up. B) totally belive. C) love the fact that it came from Jack La Laine (a total psycho) D) am drunk on cheap champagne so this has gone on way too long, and, E) have been meaning to change for a while. My last one was from Henry Louis Menkin and read something like,” Every normal man has been tempted at times to... start slitting throats.”

-NICOLE NAAB

Dear Deek,
I’ll ask. I’d guess drinking is fine, drugs might not be so fine.

-MICHELLE BOVA

Stroud,
Please don’t repeat what I said. I don’t mean to sound like a jagoff, but there are plenty of other things to write about, rather than hearing journalists bitch about journalists.

- EPONYMOUS

Highlights from Deek rating session (stories assessed on a 10 point scale):

1. It’s All About the $$$, Bitches
Rating: Negative infinity. Fucking Terrible.

2. How to Loath Yourself – Gets the f-word in there good and quick, like a construction worker. Reminds me of a retarded Denis Leary hitting himself on the head with a tack hammer. Didn’t we print something like this already? Maybe several times? Or am I confusing it with something else that didn’t use a single goddamn paragraph break?
Rating: 2

3. Is this a journal entry? I have a tough time seeing why anyone who doesn’t know this kid would be interested in his reasons for moving, and there’s nothing here to make me care. People who constantly tell me how unique they are make me suspicious.
Rating: 3 (Because it uses paragraphs).

4. Voices from the Villagers – Uh, well, they appear to be letters. I’d fuck this Catelyn Jass; she seems nice.
Rating: 2
Dear Deek,
I have an idea: How about a “how to” guide to insulting people who can’t fight back – mutes, deaf people, retarded people, people in the special olympics: Quote of the morning, from a reporter (the anus I spoke of yesterday), whose phone etiquette at ten in the morning is abysmal:

-HEJIBNUCKLY WANKWOMPAH

FUCKED UP LETTER OF THE MONTH:
DARWIN AWARD WINNER

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link. Sanchez’s balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying (and hes the Biggest Fucking Moron on the Earths Face), he wins and thats that.