THIS MONTH’S FOOD FIGHT THEME hails from hot and rainy Thailand, a land known for its Buddhist monks, religious tolerance (it’s illegal to insult any religion in the country), hospitality, and more importantly, food. Although there are only a few Thai eateries in Pittsburgh, the ones we got are worth checking out. But only one will hold the highly coveted, completely meaningless Thai Curry Championship Belt, awarded exclusively by Deek Magazine. The contenders are *insert dramatic entrance music here*: Thai Me Up and The Lemongrass Café.

Thai Me Up, Spank Me and Call Me Susan:
Thai iced tea is one of the first things that make people blow their load when dining at a typical Thai restaurant. It is a native-grown red-leafed tea that is usually brewed strong and then capped with a rich swirl of milk or half-and half. And Thai Me Up has the best glass around.

The best part about Thai Me Up’s tea is the presentation – a honking portion served in a thick, heavy pint glass, with fun, round ice cubes. When you blend, threads of cream dive into the red tea like little synchronized swimmers. It’s so good it makes me want to rub the old clitty against my chair.

The interior is relaxed, intimate and stylish, with subdued Merlot-and champagne-colored walls adorned with black and white photographs. There are only a few tables inside, so if you’re heading in around dinnertime, expect a wait. Your patience will be rewarded. Cheap and/or impatient bastards might try the lunch special (Mon.-Fri., 11 a.m.- 2:30 p.m.), which offers a choice between 13 dishes (with meat or tofu), soup and a spring roll for $5.50

For starts, the coolness of a Thai Me Up roll (tofu with shredded lettuce, mint, vermicelli and basil leaves) is a refreshing and palatable treat. Deep-fried tofu, served with peanut sauce, is a bit heartier for those with bigger appetites and/or fatter asses.

The “Pineapple curry” dish might be the best bloody entrée I’ve ever tasted. Coconut milk is flavored with piquant red curry paste and blended with hunks of sweet pineapple and fresh, thinly sliced carrots. A visually tantalizing dish is “Eggplant with basil leaves;” the violet in the eggplant comes to life against a backdrop of bell peppers, spicy, brown garlic sauce and, naturally, basil. It’s best to order these dishes with tofu; the succulent texture of tofu sucks in the juice and explodes the flavor into your mouth…but in a good way, not like some sneaky boyfriend trying to blast one off before giving ya the ol’ tap-a-roo. If you’re too much of a pussy to handle scary tofu, order it with chicken. Ba-Kaw!

Thai Me Up
Price range: $ 6.95-$8.50, for entrees
1925 East Carson Street
South Side

The Lemongrass Café, An Office Slave’s Downtown Oasis:
When you’re cramped in a fucking downtown office for eight hours a day, finding an outdoor dining spot isn’t just a delicacy – it’s inherent to the preservation of sanity. Enter The Lemongrass Café. Nestled on bus-traffic-heavy 6th Street… mmm, fumelicious… Lemongrass boasts quick, friendly service and a flowery, not-hideous outdoor décor – a notable achievement in the Pittsburgh market.
Lemongrass serves traditional Cambodian cuisine and Thai selections. Phad Thai is a popular dish; rice flour noodles are stir-fried with shrimp and chicken, shredded celery, carrots, scallions, fresh bean sprouts and ground peanuts in a sweet and tangy sauce. I ordered the “Red curry,” a melange of potatoes, bamboo shoots, onions, green pepper, eggplant, broccoli and coconut milk. Though tasty, the dish is a little busy. It’s hard to concentrate on any one flavor because so many are be-bopping around in your mouth at once. A variation of this dish uses Cambodian rice noodles instead of steamed rice.

Lemongrass’s version of Thai iced tea is commendable, but I’m just a sucker for those little round ice cubes.

For the Ted Nugents and Atkins Assholes, many dishes can be ordered with chicken, beef, shrimp or a meat-tastic blend of ‘em all. For the tree huggin’ hippies, about half the menu items are available as vegetarian (tofu for an extra charge… bastards. In their defense, the portions are generous). Each lunch option includes a house soup (Lemongrass, wonton or hot & sour) and a petite, crisp vegetable spring roll served with a sweet, sultry dipping sauce. The Lemongrass soup is a flavorful, tangy broth, with small chunks of tomato and fresh mushrooms. Overall, it’s a great value and a ton of food, entirely too much for one person in one sitting…unless you’re a disgusting, gluttonous pig-fucker.

The Lemongrass Café
Price range: $6.50-$7.95, for entrees
124 Sixth Street
Downtown

And the winner is: THAI ME UP!
The pineapple-coconut milk combo makes me sweat just thinking about it. And I’m glad my Thai-tea cherry was popped by the master, but now I’m ruined for all others to follow. Sob.