In the final month of the presidential campaign, JOHN KERRY and GEORGE W. BUSH have had a lot their minds. Preparation for the presidential debates has been brutal, as has the constant barrage of media attention. We at Deek Magazine, ever good citizens, offered the candidates a chance to unwind, to sit down and watch a few great movies about the war that defined a generation: Vietnam. Popcorn was served, and the President did not choke on it. Following are excerpts from the conversation.

Apocalypse Now Redux

John Kerry: Director Francis Ford Coppola has added almost 53 minutes of new footage to this version.

George W. Bush: Including a scene on a French chateau. Isn’t that where you spent most of Vietnam, John? Being French? Eating “waffles?” *snicker*

John Kerry: It’s funny you mention the French, George. The French invented champagne almost 300 years ago. Coincidentally, your National Guard unit – the one charged with keeping Texas airspace safe from the Viet-Cong – was known as the “Champagne Unit” and filled with the sons of elite Texans who didn’t want their kids fighting in ‘Nam.

George W. Bush: I think in this scene Dennis Hopper is wearing flip-flops. *chortle*

Full Metal Jacket

John Kerry: Who amongst us has not seen and loved this movie?

George W. Bush: Kubrick is fucking tight. Me love this movie long time!

John Kerry: Is it true that only steers and queers come from Texas, George?

George W. Bush: Well, I ain’t no steer.

John Kerry: Exactly. Any “sock parties” in the Guard, George?

George W. Bush: Panty raids, more like. Get much play in ‘Nam, John? Or were you too busy polishing your purple hearts? I hear you got, like, a thousand of them. *snicker*

Platoon

George W. Bush: Back at Yale we always used to say, “I love the smell of poontang in the morning!” Heh heh heh.

John Kerry: That’s from Apocalypse Now, George.

George W. Bush: C’mere, you!

George W. Bush puts John Kerry in a headlock and playfully wrestles him to the ground, where they try to smear popcorn in each others faces. Finally, they both collapse, exhausted by the effort. They catch their breath, both looking up at the ceiling, their animosity momentarily forgotten. There’s a certain wistfulness in their eyes, a realization that soon it will all be over. George W. Bush turns to John Kerry and, with the utmost sincerity, says, “John, this has really been fun.”