As the film Miracle showed us, the key to curing a sagging economy, soaring unemployment, strained foreign relations, and general pessimism about the future lies in ice hockey. But in this age of “Dream Teams” made up of big name NHL stars, do international hockey competitions still resonate as they once did in the heart of the common man? The answer, sadly, is no. But by adhering to the steps listed below and applying a little elbow grease, I’m confident that we as a nation can channel the spirit of that most magical of times, a time when gas shortages reigned, New Wave was born, and a former actor turned politician brought his mix of faith-based lunacy and nuclear weapons to the White House. I’m talking about 1980.

Recruit a ragtag group of misfits.

Can the auto mechanic in Dayton, Ohio or the grocer in Bangor, Maine really relate with the modern NHL athlete? The answer is...of course not, don’t be stupid. Whereas the professional hockey player is a being of heroic qualities – dedication, hard work, talent, good looks, sexual deftness – the average blue-collar worker is largely a drone, one indistinguishable from another, existing only to perpetuate the species so that future hockey players might be born. What people need is a Team USA that reflects their present reality, a team with poor hygiene and weight issues, who resent their spouses and drink too much at office parties. It should also be a cross section of the nation it represents, incorporating players of every demographic, including, but not limited to:

A young, black male growing up in the ghetto who uses hockey as a means of escaping the drugs and violence that plague his neighborhood.
An established figure skater who dazzles the coaches with his fancy footwork and stick handling, changing his teammates’ attitudes towards homosexuality in the process.

A naïve farm boy from Kansas who struggles to focus on the development of his skills while coming to terms with life in the big city.
A hardnosed (yet strikingly beautiful) female player who delivers a jarring hit during the first practice session, thereby proving she can “play with the big boys.”

A Native American phenom who led his reservation’s squad to back-to-back Wyoming state championships, but remains largely unknown because of racial insensitivity.
A former steel mill worker who calls things like he sees them, brings his lunch to work in a pail, and drinks with both fists.

An illegal, Mexican immigrant playing to win citizenship for his family.
A returning player from the great 1980 squad whose work ethic and never-say-die attitude prove that old people can still contribute to society.
An Asian player of some sort (preferably one who’s bad at math, thereby helping to dispel stereotypes).

The remaining roster should be fleshed out with individuals of varying skin tones, turning any camera shot of the bench into a microcosm of the rainbow (both literal and metaphoric) that stretches from one end of our great country to the other. Okay, we’ve got our players. On to step two.

Bring them together as a team.

With a lineup so disparate there are bound to be problems, especially early on before the head coach (a hockey legend and WWII vet) has a chance to deliver some platitudes about America being a melting pot and diversity being the reason he fought the Nazis. Certain situations can alleviate some of this tension and bring the players closer together. For instance, the gay man might teach the hardened steel worker that it’s okay to cry over his abusive father, leading the steel worker to defend the gay man in a barroom altercation the following night. Or the young black male, with his years of street smarts, might convince the Kansas farm boy that a life of drugs and fast women is “straight up wack.” The woman teaches the others not to judge a book by its cover, while the Native American reminds us all of the need for accountability. By combining their knowledge and experiences, the players will come to realize that the whole is much stronger than the individual parts. A bond has been formed. On to step three.

Practice, practice, practice!

Now that your players are a team, time to hone their skills. Run them through a series of unorthodox drills designed to improve their hearts and minds, not just their bodies. Read to them from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Make them volunteer at a soup kitchen. Then it’s time to hit the ice. Improvement can be accelerated by utilizing a video montage, showing a bumbling troupe of roustabouts slowly morph into a well-oiled hockey machine. Marvel as your players go from zero to Mario Lemieux in a matter of seconds. You’re ready to play. On to step four.

Find an opponent to vanquish.

Now comes the most important question: which nation to conquer? Saddam is in custody, and most of the other fascist regimes we support. All the coaxing in the world won’t get Osama on the ice. Hopeless? Well, you know what they say: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Communism did the trick in ’80, so why not now? I’m talking, of course, about Cuba. Never mind that the Communist Party poses as much a threat today as the Fraternal Order of Moose. Cuba is a familiar foe, led by Fidel Castro, a man with half a century of despotic supervillain experience. With his bushy beard and ever-present cigar, Fidel is the model of a man who despises freedom. What better to teach him the error of his ways than a ninety-mile-an-hour slapshot through his five hole? Anti-Castro sentiment can easily be rekindled through a series of Dateline interviews, where crippled Cuban children now living in Miami recount the horrors of crossing the Gulf in the bowels of a cargo liner. Schedule the interviews to appear the week preceding the big game. You’re almost there. Move on to step five.

Sit back and watch as your team overachieves.

If you’ve followed the aforementioned steps, this one should take care of itself. As the goals pour in, the national mood skyrockets, and Communism is dealt another, fatal blow. America is saved!

(Note: If national mood is still lagging a bit, cue “We Are The Champions” to play exactly as final buzzer sounds. Advise players to wave flags in celebration. Any romantic sub-plots should be brought to conclusion with a marriage proposal at center ice.)