News Briefs
Compiled by Jason Salinetro, Aimee Forrest, Mo Mozuch, Ben Edwards and Lydia Fucillo
Bush announces engagement to White House staffer
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush today announced his engagement to White House Flower Coordinator Rod Silverling. The wedding ceremony will take place August 13, 2005 in Boston, Massachusetts, the only state to recognize gay marriage.
Bush first became smitten with the 37-year-old florist during his first term in the Oval Office and the two quickly became more than friends. The president, long a closet homosexual since his days of sodomy as a member of the Skull and Bones society at Yale, just could not fight those feelings any longer.
During today’s press conference, Bush admitted that he and Silvering had in fact become engaged, as rumored, on their recent vacation along with celebrity couple Elton John and David Furnish. John and Furnish plan to attend the late summer event, with John performing a special version of his hit song “The Bitch Is Back” to close the wedding.
Silverling, recommended to the president by fellow homosexual and S&M aficionado Karl Rove, has been one of the primary decorators of the White House since April 2001. He was raised in Brooklyn, New York by parents John and Taisha Silverling, the famed interracial couple and local chairs of the New York-area chapter of PETA.
In a related story, the Laura Bush automaton was disassembled and packed this week for its trip back to Disneyland Paris, where it will resume the role of Cavewoman #3 in Disney’s The Magical World of Evolution attraction.
Ellen Burstyn sex tape goes unwatched
HOLLYWOOD – The sex tape of Oscar-winning actress Ellen Burstyn has continued to go unseen, even after spending seven weeks widely available on the World Wide Web.
The tape apparently shows “The Exorcist” star having explicit sexual relations with Rodger Locke, a stunt double for actor Donald Sutherland. Locke did not return Deek Magazine’s calls for comment.
Over the course of the 47-minute video, Burstyn supposedly performs fellatio upon the aged stuntman before he proceeds to bend her over a bean bag chair and “rides her like a bronco” says a description on popular sex website CelebrityFuck.com.
The site will be releasing a limited edition 2-disc DVD of the tape on June 13 to coincide with the upcoming Warner Bros. Pictures release “The Fountain.” A trailer for the DVD is available on the recently released “One Night with Brolin – Caught on Webcam” DVD featuring Barbra Streisand’s husband and star of “Capricorn One” James Brolin as he visits a wheelchair fetish sex site and proceeds to pleasure himself.
Although no person admits to having actually watching the tape, it is considered the hottest celebrity sex tape since February’s Wilford Brimley/Della Reese video.
Time travelin’ West Virginia man arrested
ST. LOUIS - Two sheriff’s deputies checking on a motorist stopped along Interstate 70 in the predawn darkness were puzzled at first by what they found – a driver dressed like an old-time pioneer, saying he was headed for South Dakota with Bibles and “supplies” for American Indian children.
It’s only after the West Virginia man got mouthy and smelled of marijuana, according to police, did the deputies uncover a staggering arsenal of firepower inside the sport utility vehicle, including loaded pistols and an assault rifle with a 30-round clip and a bullet in the chamber.
A twin-edged knife with an 8-inch blade was in the sun visor above the 46-year-old man’s head, and a loaded two-shot Colt Derringer pistol was in his pocket, authorities say. Searchers seized about 400 rounds of ammunition.
“He said it was all self-protection and that it’s dangerous out west,” St. Charles Sheriff’s Lt. Craig McGuire said Friday, a day after the traffic stop that also reportedly uncovered an array of drugs. “It’s kind of bizarre, but it’s all also kind of sobering.”
Sobering in that investigators don’t believe the collection of weaponry was purely innocent, given that he had loaded firearms within easy reach in virtually every direction, McGuire said.
– the Associated Press
Queefing most underrepresented fetish on Net
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Queefing, popularly referred to as “pussy farting,” is the most underrepresented fetish on the Internet, according to Alabama based research firm the Aurora Group. The company made the results of its four year study public on Monday.
“We were surprised, certainly,” said Dr. Hogan Sommersby, the lead researcher on the project for Aurora Group. “You can find sites with women on animals, men on children and even videos of women in stilettos stomping small rodents to death. Even though it is completely legal in all 50 states, there seems to be no wide scale market for pussy farts, or the men who enjoy them.”
Aurora Group studied the Internet’s estimated 3 billion pornographic sites and could not find a single one dedicated to audio or video files of queefing.
“Part of the problem is the medium,” said Atlanta area queef enthusiast Brad Russell. “Since you can’t show a thumbnail of a queef it’s hard for sites to develop. Plus, producing a queef is tougher than you might think.”
Russell said until a reliable queef site is produced he’s content to inhale rectal farts “and just pretend.” |
