Punk

Represented by Emily Avent

Schools nationwide to use sex toys in new, government-supported sexual education programs.

I’m lucky enough to score an interview with the three “sexperts” behind “Sexploration is the New Abstinence,” the latest sex-ed curriculum about to take public schools across the nation by storm. Ted Allen, author of Esquire’s “Things a Man Should Know about Sex,” Barbara Keesling, PhD and trained “sexual surrogate,” and Sting (no introduction needed) are the authors of this recently-approved curriculum, subtitled, “No condoms necessary.”

“We were concerned,” says Allen, when I ask what inspired the new philosophy, “about the controversy across the country regarding what kids should be taught about their own sexuality. This abstinence-only policy wasn’t working. Kids are just going to have sex.”

Dr. Keesling jumps in. “The focus of adolescence is discovery of a sex drive and the discovery of oneself. We decided to combine the two – which, if you look at the facts, are needlessly separated. Everywhere you turn there’s some study on how masturbation puts you in touch with your inner self. Get a little creative with sexual aids, and it’s better than yoga.”

“And I’d know all about that.” Sting’s British accent adds a necessary degree of class to this topic. “Ever since the invention of the dildo in 500 BC by the Greeks, there’s been a current of male inadequacy affecting sexual relations between men and women and between men and men. Can you imagine that? 2500 years of male inadequacy. No wonder we’re all such macho, insensitive twats.”

“Which is what we’re trying to counteract here,” Allen interjects hastily. “We want sexual exploration to become an entirely positive thing, and we think that can be done not only by teaching kids to play with themselves from an early age, but to do it exclusively as a sex act. Reproduction’s already been taken care of with artificial insemination; now there’s really no reason for anyone to have sex ever again. Imagine: An end to STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and hurt feelings! I mean, a sex doll can’t cry when you slap the bitch for giving you a shitty blowjob. And who ever got herpes from a realistic porn star pussy and ass?”

“We want to bring out the positive in personal sexploration,” says Dr. Keesling. “Despite the largely negative stereotype that masturbation and sexual aids seem to have gathered throughout history, dildos, vibrators, and fucking machines have been used as treatment for female ‘hysteria,’ otherwise known as arousal. Dildos were marketed as cure-alls for both men and women before it was possible to admit they were sex toys. Thus, you’ve got self-medication, so to speak.”

The curriculum has been in the making for years. Keesling says her work as a sex surrogate left her realizing that many adults have suffered from sexual disorders since childhood. She thinks that problems like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and inability to orgasm should be counteracted early on, and that teaching young boys and girls to control their pleasure with sexual aids will result in more healthy, happy, horny adults.

“Sex with a surrogate was only so effective,” Keesling says. “There was still shame involved when a man would come too quickly or not be able to get it up. With a Real Doll, no one is around to see the shame. The man can stop focusing on his embarrassment and start focusing on achieving an erection, or on controlling his ejaculation.”

“It’s not just about male shame, though,” Sting hastens to add. “Women have lived for long enough with the stereotype that enjoying sexual pleasure is shameful. Just take so-called ‘witches’ in the 16th and 17th centuries – these were often women who had applied a mixture of belladonna and alcohol to ease the pain of menstrual cramps. The orgasmic hallucinations they experienced as a result cost them their lives. We want to make up for that by emphasizing that female masturbation is okay. The modern-day equivalent of inserting X into the anus is a perfect example; it’ll be covered in the curriculum, with precautions of course.”

“But what about intimacy?” I ask. “How can you get the same feeling from a dildo as you do from a partner you love?”

“That’s a very real concern,” Allen acknowledges. “We don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea – intimacy with oneself is not always enough. But masturbation doesn’t have to be an entirely selfish act. Even if people no longer engage in the sex act, they can still give sexually to each other. For example, we’ve included in our textbook the example of a young man who singlehandedly created a bicycle dildo for his girlfriend. He calls it a dildocycle.”

There is a pause where I seem expected to express appreciation. “And how does it work?” I ask.
“There’s a jelly dong which penetrates the seat, positioned so that the woman can lower herself onto it and ride just like a normal bike. She can ride in a short skirt and no one can tell the difference – other than herself, of course. It helps to ride off-road, the uneven terrain creating a vibration-like effect.”

“It’s exactly this type of thing that we want to promote,” Keesling says. “Selfless sexual pleasuring of oneself.”

“I have only one more question,” I say. “How did you get President Bush to support this thing? He was so adamant about abstinence-only just a while ago, and now this curriculum is about to go out to schools across the nation. They’re even increasing funding to be able to provide each child with his or her sexual toy.”

Allen laughs. “That was easy. Once we convinced ol’ Dubya that there wouldn’t be any more need for abortion clinics or AIDS programs, the cat was in the bag.”