Smokes and Booze for the Common Man

By Ralph “Bucky” Gainsborough

I figured that I could take some time out from my never-ending quest to bring down my illustrious cousin to give everyone a little edge in their never-ending quest for sexual conquest. On one hand, the Playboy cigar would be perfect for a fine evening alone indulging in a rousing porno-fest (so that when the moment does arrive, you’ll be prepared). On the other, the Vox Raspberry would be an ideal choice for plying some loose strumpet at the bar (who will think that you have the goods to make her evening complete). Why is old Bucky not a sex advice columnist, you ask? Probably because a life of alligator wrestling and jumping off of buildings for money does not give you the finest mug for which to cruise for nookie. Plus, I’ve got more important things on my mind. So, the best I can do is pass these little nuggets of knowledge along to you.

Playboy Lonsdale – 6.5 x 42 – $6.00
3 out of 5

While a pretty sexy cigar in its own right, Playboy cigars should probably not be smoked in public in a place where there are eligible women. Seriously, can you imagine a smokin’ hot female with most of her teeth and an ass the size of Quebec walking your way in a bar, noticing you’re smoking something manufactured by Playboy? Rightly or not, you would certainly not score any play no matter how many jackass lines you spew at her about, say, the beauty of her one good eye or, maybe, how so little of her face was mangled when you saw her perform as a rodeo clown earlier that day. I mean, I’m not speaking from experience or anything. Basically, what I want you to take away from this is that the Lonsdale is not a bad cigar; you should just enjoy it by yourself, okay?

As I proposed in the little paragraph Deek gives me to tell you my tales of woe, this is a straight-up porno cigar. Smoking something that may have someday, long ago, been influenced by Hugh Hefner should be inspiration enough for an evening of hardcore, masturbatory fury. I mean, the great thing about a cigar is that it can reassure you sexually. Eventually, no matter how microscopic your dick is, the cigar will become inferior. Then, you will be the man. Ha ha! An obvious warning, however, would be not to attempt dolphin flogging while smoking the cigar. Any cigar. Not complying with this warning would make for an ugly police discovery that may prevent you from getting laid for the rest of your life.

Now that you’ve gotten the basics down, the smoke itself is pleasant, but not overwhelming. It smells good and inconspicuous, and goes through a flavor cycle that oftentimes hints of wood, vegetables and herbs (thus making this a fine cigar for someone who lives with someone who hates their addiction to the fine tobacco of the Caribbean). The bottom line remains, however, that it’s a decent smoke. But don’t keep it at the top of your humidor because no one except maybe your 13 year-old brother will think a Playboy cigar is cool.

Raspberry Vox Vodka - $24.00/bottle
4 out of 5

A bottle of Vox is great for the bar, the home or the underground laboratory. Raspberry Vox is best used for style points in a bar setting. If you have no talents as a sweet-talking Lothario, have the bartender slide a glass of Vox on the Rox down the bar to the minx of your choice. Once she sees the bartender pouring the drink and passing it her way, she’ll certainly drink it. And she won’t feel a thing except possibly your hand on her ass. And that, my friends, is the first step to using Vox as an aphrodisiac.

Once you get her home and she notices the box behind your makeshift bar she’ll see that the bottle looks really cool and expensive; she will be impressed at the mere presence of its overall Voxness. Yes, yes she will. And from there, it’s smooth sailing. Or humping. Or finagling. Whatever.

As for my darker purposes, its appearance and strong fruit flavoring make it fantastic for mixing with poisons. I have been concocting a Vox/Bromide mixture that goes down real smooth and packs a genuine wallop fraught with doom for whomever drinks it. But perhaps I’ve said too much…

As you can see, Vox Raspberry has many fine uses, but remember that those do not include drinking it yourself if you consider yourself anything resembling male. Any personal use was done purely in the interest of science and the fair readers of Deek Magazine.