Celebrity Sex Tapes - Who's Hot, Who's Not

By Mussolini Wonderbread

"Celebrities have an intimate life and a life in the grid of two hundred million. For them, there is no distance between the two grids in American life. Of all Americans, only they are complete."

-- George W.S. Trow, Within The Context of No Context

Some nights you just want to go home and curl up with a close friend. Typically, that close friend is a cathode ray tube image of someone you've never actually met. To make your cuddle time more enjoyable, Deek offers a cheater's guide to the celebrity sex tape.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee -- The genetic soup from which all future Celebrity Sex Tapes T derived, the Pam and Tommy Lee video still has a special place in America's heart. It began as a gift to their future children -- Pam narrates as "mommy," declaring that Tommy Lee's wang will have to satisfy her for the rest of her life (and oh how the unconscious irony alarms did wail) -- but once it was stolen and spread over the Internet, it became a gift to us all. Looking back, it's hard to believe there was a time when Tommy Lee called his penis "totally rad" and we were their carefree children.

Severina Vuckovic -- Croatian pop star (?) Severina Vuckovic, who in her native country projects a wholesome, religious image, is captured here having hardcore sex with a wealthy married Bosnian Croat businessman. In trying to stop the spread of the tape, Vuckovic's lawyers earned points for creativity, asking experts to determine if she'd "demonstrated anything not previously seen in the porn industry," making the tape eligible for copyright protection (!). She had not. The video takes place below deck on a yacht; as Vuckovic and her friend go at it, the sound of water splashing against the side is everywhere, as though we are in some kind of wooden womb and mom and dad are going at it outside.excuse me, I think I just had a breakthrough and must call my therapist.

Paris Hilton -- Totally over her. Moving on.

Jenna Lewis, of Survivor "fame" -- this is probably the most "couple-friendly" of our round-up, as Jenna Lewis and her new husband consummate their marital union. Ladies will thrill to hear Lewis's very modern ideas on marriage ("You own my body now, legally"), while men can pass the time with a rousing game of "Jenna Lewis, Are You Drunk Or Just Retarded?" (Answer: both!) And the whole family can marvel at the porn-film-reject dialogue: "I can feel your balls slapping me!" -- has even George Lucas written more inane lines? Special bonus media whoredom: Jenna, desperate to maintain her fame, secretly released this tape to the public, charging fifty bucks on a webpage that claimed to have stolen it. Sadly, at no point in it do you see into her blackened, shriveled soul.

Abi Titmuss -- I guess she's famous in England ? Anyway, here she takes on a sexy Nubian goddess while opera plays in the background. Are they classy in Great Britain , or what? This one'll leave your bollocks knackered.

Jordan Price -- Another hottie from across the pond, Jordan Price is famous for appearing in Playboy and dozens of other magazines. She's also famous for breasts that must've been forged by The Army Corps of Engineers. Is there some sort of anti-gravity field built into them, and if so, can we harness it for the good of humanity? No?

R. Kelly -- OK, yes, I tried to find this. But I didn't try very hard.

Fred Durst -- I tried to watch this one, but the blood kept crusting over my eyes. I could only make out vague shapes, one of which seemed to be Durst's ample beer gut.

Aylar Diana Lie -- Ms. Lie was awarded the crown of Miss Norway . That was before the judges realized she'd starred in a series of hardcore sex films. Despite her claim that the videos were really of an evil double (known in the legal profession as the Parallel Universe defense), Lie was stripped of her title. Mourn the deposed queen by watching her in Throat Gaggers 3 , where she declares a need to "suck some big cocks" in a Persian accent. In another video, she displays a remarkable appreciation for the absurd, laughing as two retarded meatpuppets fill her both ends, one declaring, "Oh, this is too good! I'm blowing up like Bin Laden around here!" The laugh I thought I heard Ms. Lie stifle was surely at her co-star's lack of good taste and ignorance of current events.

Brooke Burke -- Guest review by livr of Torrentspy.com

Bogus!

There is a video, but it's password-protected, and it's not of Brooke Burke at all, just 30 seconds of some slut teens getting pissed on by dudes. To get the password (which is "please" if you do happen to download it) you have to go through a bunch of email "free porn" subscription BS.

Mimi McPherson -- Here the sister of supermodel Elle McPherson, Mimi, showing off her ability to wrangle the Rosebud on camera. OK, now we're really scrapping the bottom of the barrel. Mimi McPherson? I'm not even sure she registers on the Corey Feldman Celebrity Index. [Ed. -- Miss McPherson actually scores .65 Feldman's, more than George Clinton, brother of former President Bill Clinton, but much less than George Clinton of Parliament-Funkadelic.] But hey, there's grainy, "realistic" video, terrible lighting, and a near-famous person sometimes in frame, so let a thousand zippers unfurl.

Nicole Lenz -- A former Playmate most famous for hanging out with -- who else? -- Paris Hilton, Nicole Lenz doesn't have a whole lot to offer in terms of high-wattage celebrity. What she does have to offer is lesbian sex with an unidentified (too lazy to look up her name, really, just too, too lazy) blonde in a hotel room while Phil Hartman delivers a hilarious monologue about NAFTA on a SNL rerun. Two sorta famous lesbians pleasuring each other in a dimly lit room while Wayne and Garth rate the summer movies? Is this heaven, or at least Canada ?

Pamela Anderson and Brett Michaels -- Oh Pam. Pam Pam Pam. What're you doing, Pamster? (Note to Pamela Anderson: I actually know what you are doing here; I meant that in the sense of "What are you doing with your life, Paminator?") You are having sex with Brett Michaels of Poison, which I can't believe, and it seems neither can Brett Michaels of Poison. He keeps looking into the camera to make sure this is indeed happening. Yes, Brett Michaels of Poison, you are having sex with Pamela Anderson. God is dead and the dying fumes in your tiny fuel tank of talent have gotten you into a hotel bed with Pamela Anderson. You look bored, Pam.