DEEK LOVE IN THE TIME OF ABSTINENCE

by Greg Benevent

My bitch neighbor glares at me as I hammer the last plank into the door.
“I’m allowed to be in the hallway,” I mutter, sing-songy to piss her off. She slurps on an old stained mug, a floral moomoo stretched across her limitless torso.
Her glare feels like spiders on my tits. I flatten my black fishnet full-body vest, just to do something other than feel her look at me.
“Happy seven and a half month anniversary…” I sing to the tune of “Happy Birthday” in my best Spider Zombie voice, but it sucks. One of the boards comes off, a rogue nail sticking out. Thump – THUMP. I pound the nail so hard my wrist hurts. Rubbing my arm, my tattoos (Demeter, Goddess of the harvest, holding a chainsaw and a ball of fire) I feel more than a little naked.
“You’re animals,” she finally growls, yellow teeth clicking together.
I frown at the door: There’s no way he’s getting in, not like last week. That was too easy. All he had to do was bum rush the door, rear back and slam into it with his shoulder. I couldn’t believe it.
“Mrs. Huffington, does that look straight to you?” I sweetly ask, pretty-as-you-please, turning towards her. She gasps as she gets the full-on look at my vest.
“Animals, sick animals,” she intones, pointing her phone at me like a crone’s magic wand. She lumbers into her apartment, and slams the door, rattling my own. I admire my handiwork – my door is covered in planks, each nailed several times and secured with a metal latch. My door is impenetrable –no way he’s getting in.
I’ve never been so in love.
Opening the door with the only key, I duck under the planks and skip inside. The carpet feels soft on my bare feet, except for the hard stained parts.

Pacing around the room, it feels like hours until the break in. I sit on the couch – it groans, as if anticipating him somehow.
“Happy seven and a half month anniversary…” I hum, arranging The Toys to my liking on the huge, expensive glass coffee table. There’s something I’ve forgotten – there’s someway he could get in, and ruin this – ruin one of the best days of our relationship –
The windows!
I rush to the window, and draw the black venetian blinds.
Mrs. Huffington is glaring at me from her window, across the way. She robotically shovels ice cream into her mouth, her eyes unmoving. Maybe she fantasizes about me? She points the phone at me again –
Sticking my tongue out, I put up a storm window. “EAT MAGGOT SHIT” is scrawled in purple lipstick on it.
I didn’t get him a gift for today. I feel terrible. He got me a tiny heart-shaped box of candy. I kicked him in the shin before he opened it, revealing a tooth with each candy. Eight in all.
“Our teeth. Our love,” he whispered. I’m shivering now thinking about it.
BZZZZ –
I stand frozen in disbelief.
BZZZZ –
The doorbell. Again. The phone falls out of my fingers, and I brush away tears. How can he do this? This is our day! He’s NEVER admitted that he couldn’t come in! He’s NEVER used the safe word (“Wallpaper”).
BZZZ –
“Maybe there’s a good explanation…” I whisper to myself, blind with tears. “There must be a reason… there has to be.” I can’t stop wailing. Stupid fucking man, doesn’t he understand how hard I worked to please him? I just want this rape and home invasion fantasy to work, and he can’t even try?
“I did all this for you…” I say out loud, eyes closed, trying not to moan. Opening my eyes, wiping the tears on my leather gloves, “I take off work, I try to make something special…” A deep breath gets me under control.
BZZZ –
I blurt out tears again, unable to stop them. I grab the hammer, and march to the door.
BZZZ –
“Listen to me you little fuck,” I press my face to the door, “you thought I was mad when I covered your nuts in honey and tied you to that stake on the beach by the red ant hill?” I snarl, the anger gives me power – “You have no idea—”
“Mary?” a small, shaky, little girl voice asks.
Oh shit.
I throw open the door.
“Hi… Mary.” My fourteen year-old cousin, Turina. She must’ve just come from school, she’s still in the catholic girl jumper.
“What are you… hey.” I stammer, hiding the hammer behind my back. “What’s… up?”
She shrugs and looks at the ground. She’s an adorable girl, and she looks cute as can be in that jumper. (I went to the same school she did at her age – I still fit in that jumper, too.)
“I need to talk to you…” she almost whispers, still not looking at me. I’m not surprised. My aunt “B” as she wants to be called (I always called her “Aunt Beat,” since that one time I actually called her “Aunt Bitch” when I was six and had to eat an entire bar of soap). Beat named her “Turina” as an homage to the Shroud of Turin. I know she goes by “Tori” and I hope everyone just thinks her name is “Victoria.”
“Can I come in…?” she whispers, a gulp in her voice. Mrs. Huffington’s standing in the hallway, phone tucked in her armpit. I imagine I can hear the smiling flower on her stomach yelling “Please Help me!”
“Sure, Tori,” I touch her shoulder to wave her inside, but she steps away from me and looks down the hall.
“It’s okay, Melv. I told you she wouldn’t do that.”
A thin, almost lurpy teenager with horrific, nuclear winter acne steps out from behind a fire extinguisher, knees a little wobbly. He’s wearing a St. Gabriel’s blazer. Melv doesn’t move.
Tori sighs and grabs his hand – she pulls him into my apartment. His blazer reeks of after shave and sweat. I hated that school.
“So… what’s up, kids?” I say, trying to keep my smile big enough to not be recognized as fake. Tori’s never been to my apartment before, and I haven’t talked to her in at least a year and a half. She sits on the couch, and looks around, kicking her feet nervously. Melv (could that be short for “Melvin?” Why the fuck would anyone want to be called “Melv?”) slumps next to her, and tries to bury his face into her shoulder. I want to tell her she should make him wear a paper towel on his face, but I don’t like to be mean unless I have to.
“So…?” I say, smile not yet waning on my face, hands on my hips. Melv tries not to look at my pretty much naked body (which is so adorable) but I don’t have time to throw something else on. I need to get the kids out pronto.
“Eat… maggot…”Melv’s voice trails off before the last word. Somehow, he looks even whiter – he’s so pale I believe he could disappear.
“You caught me at a bad time,” I say diplomatically, leaning over the two of them. “What’s going on?”
“You called me,” Tori says, wide bright eyes too large, too far apart on her face to ever be truly beautiful, only hot.
“No, I didn’t. When did I call you?” I give her a funny look. What the fuck is this? Her eyes somehow grow wider, and threaten to envelop her face –
“Last night, you called me really late. You sounded… you know, drunk.”
I roll my tongue around my lips, I rarely get drunk and call people. Why the hell would I call her? Sensing my disbelief, she leans forward –
“You said you were in a horrible relationship, and you needed out, and…” her voice trails off, her eyes sad.
Unconsciously, I shake my head. I don’t remember anything like that, but I was really drunk last night. Jerry and I took turns grabbing each other by the ankles and swinging each other as hard as possible into the wall. We stopped when the bathroom mirror crashed onto his stomach.
“What time did I call you?” I ask her, my hands flattening my vest again.
Now, she goes white. Her eyes dart around – various stuttering, delaying sounds leak out of her mouth, chasing each other: “Uhh, umm… well, it was… uhh –”
“What’s… that?” Melv whispers, his teeth chattering. I turn.
“Oh, it’s, well – uhh…”
I pick up the object in question off the glass table. It’s one of our favorite toys. Jerry and I knew pretty early on in our relationships we needed some kind of phallic object for just “us,” but a dildo felt cliché to me and uncomfortable to him. We settled on this adorable child’s karaoke microphone. “I’m a Lil’ Country Gal!” the label says, perhaps unaware of it’s true job – frequent dildo and ass mole.
“My boyfriend… likes to sing,” I say and smile at him, my pitch getting high at the end of the sentence.
“But it’s… stained,” Melv whispers, digging his hand into Tori’s arm.
“Well… he spits when he sings,” I tell him confidentially, one eyebrow raised. He looks like he’s about to pass out – I slap Tori’s knee, right above the white tube sock.
“So, what time did I call you?”
Her eyes shake in her head, her hands twist in her lap.
“Was it… three AM? Yes. Yes,” she says, instantly confident – and then in the next instant, it evaporates, leaving her pursing her lips again. “Yes. Three.” Her gaze is steady at me.
Suddenly it hits me.
“I didn’t call you last night,” I say, shaking my head, shaking with rage. I can’t believe I didn’t figure this all out earlier. “I didn’t call you… at all,” I whisper the last part, pacing in front of them.
“But you…”
“NO!” I scream at her – she jumps, tears pool at Melv’s eyes. I grab the hammer, and point it at her – “That bitch Aunt Beat. She sent you to spy, didn’t she?” I lean into Melv’s fake smile and bare my teeth at him. “See how the animals live.”
He whimpers, and buries his face in Tori’s shoulder. To her credit, she doesn’t look away from me.
“Tell her that I’m happy at the firm and Jerry’s doing fine in grad school. And we were ever so happy to see the both of you, but we had dinner plans.” I say, clasping my hands to my bosom. “That’s all you will tell her. Now get out of here before I hurt you.”
I swat a piece of the bathroom mirror off of the coffee table with the hammer, just for emphasis. Melv is openly sobbing now.
“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Tori begins, whimpering herself, “I shouldn’t have lied to you. That’s not why we came.”
“Get out,” I whisper.
“No, we need your help. We need your advice. We can’t talk to anyone—”
“I told you to get out,” I swing the hammer between my finger tips. There is absolutely nothing on this planet that could get me to hurt my adorable, lovable little uber-Christian cousin, but she probably doesn’t know that, and I need them to leave RIGHT NOW. Who knows Aunt Bitch told her?
And who knows what they’ll tell her if Jerry pops in?
“Get. Out.” I point the hammer at the door.
Tori shrieks: “But you’ve got to help us! No one can—’
“I told you to–” I raise the hammer over my head –
Tori thrusts a laminated piece of paper under my nose. I look at her, I take it warily –
“I, the under-signed child of our lord Jesus Christ, do hereby swear to maintain and uphold my virginity, to participate in and enthusiastically cultivate a vibrant and proud celibacy until the time of marriage and not one sinful second beforehand, no matter how ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ or ‘buggin’ a member of the OPPOSITE SEX shall be…”
I have to put the paper down, I’m giggling too hard to keep reading. I slap myself in the face – hard. Nothing ruins a home invasion/rape fantasy like giggling.
The two kids are looking at me, so earnest their faces could break.
“Is it legally binding?” Tori asks.
I’m giggling again. I try to keep a straight face; I take a deep breath. I raise my eyes to her:
“Only in Utah.”
She cheers, a loud noise that sounds like “WHOOP!” Melv jumps into her arms, and my fourteen year old cousin makes out with apocalypse face on my couch.
“Um, wait a second. Whoa, hold up there—” I pull him off her by his collar. His face is flushed and wide with confusion.
“You guys aren’t… especially not right here…”
Tori looks at her, head cockeyed – then her face lights up again, eyes too big:
“OH, no no nno –“ she turns to Melv, “She thinks we’re… like, we’re really going to…”
He giggles. She giggles. They giggle with each other.
I need to get them the fuck out of my house. Right now.
“I’m not sure you two should…” I frown, looking for the right words to say. Unable to meet either of their eyes, I look at the “I’m a Lil’ Country Girl!” “Maybe you shouldn’t have sex. You know?”
They laugh.
“We still need to keep that pledge,” Tori says, then looks meaningfully at Melv. “But… we did have something we wanted to ask you about.” She nudges Melv. He doesn’t look at me. “Come on.”
“But she’s your cousin,” he pouts, still not looking up. Tori rolls her eyes –
“Yes, and that’s why I can’t ask her. Come on. You want to or not?”
“Umm… so like, you know…” Melv says to the floor, “What’s up with uh… anal sex. Like, what’s the story there?”
I have no idea what how to respond to that. Amazingly, I hear: “But that’s still losing your virginity,” come out of my mouth.
Tori’s face is earnest again, the full-on righteousness of a great missionary: “Oh no. Anal sex, even,” her voice drops to a whisper for two syllables, “oral sex, those aren’t covered.”
“You can be all over that,” Melv adds. He tries to whisper into Tori’s ear so I can’t hear, but he’s too loud: “I thought you said she was an attorney, and she doesn’t know you can be an Anal Virgin?”
Tori touches my knee: “Do you have any advice?”
Melv looks around the apartment: “Any books, or tapes or something? I learn best visually.”
“Me too!” Tori adds, touching his nose. She turns to me, “Just one more thing we have in common. Can you believe it?”
“No,” I say.
Her face lights up again: “Say, we were experimenting with some stuff the other day to see if it works. You’re an attorney, could you look at it to see if it violates our abstinence pledge—”
Suddenly, the “EAT MAGGOT SHIT” storm window falls with a crash, breaking on an old chair. I jump – waiting for Jerry to leap through the window, and throw me onto the floor, making me bite into my achilles’ tendon while he –
“Here, let us crawl around so you get some idea—” Melv says, and flips my fourteen year old cousin over – I shove him off again:
“I get the idea. No, you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t—” Why am I saying this? Why am I telling them not to have anal sex? Why do I give a shit? I don’t even like that couch –
Mrs. Huffington’s still looking at me through her window. Her phone is still pointing at me, but she’s smiling now, as if the spell has already been cast.
“Maybe you aren’t ready for sex,” I say helpfully, grabbing for the hammer again, trying to get some kind of control back here.
Tori gasps, and sits back on the couch. Melv puts his hands over his ears.
“If you have sex, you’ll die,” she whispers. “Out of marriage, oh yeah.”
“Yeah, huh?” I say, scratching my left tit.
“Condoms don’t work, no birth control does. Sex is violent, it’s ungodly—”
“It’s painful for the… the… woman… girl.” Melv stutters, nodding sagely.
“Where did you hear that?” I ask, pulling Tori to her feet, and pointing her towards the door –
“It’s in those special classes at school when they pull the girls and boys aside. You know.”
“Right… well,” I stand by the door, and look at them. She holds his hand, they look at me. I want to open the door, and I need to kick them out.
But I’m worried where they’re going to go, and what they’re going to do.
Why do I give a shit? Have I suddenly become a prude here?
“Listen, guys… you have to understand that just because of—”
Suddenly, a loud crash behind me. I shake my head, and slap myself in the face again.
“Of course,” I whisper to the two frightened children, “Shimmying up the drain pipe, then going in the bedroom window. Why didn’t I think of that?”
I turn, and look at my wonderful boyfriend Jerry. He took a rough graduate course midterm in physics today, and now wears nothing but a leather studded thong. His eyes are as wild as his forrest of chest hair.
“Honey, I don’t think we’ll be able to—” I say, and then he grabs my neck. Melv screams as Jerry knees me in the face, I fall backward. Tori throws something at him, I can’t see what it is.
“This may not be the best time for this—” I gurgle as he grabs my leg and hurls me onto the couch. I scream in pain as my head conks against the arm rest. I sit up –
Jerry’s marching towards me – the kids are behind him, scraming:
“Sir, you must cease and desist this instant!” Tori.
“The power of Jesus Christ compels you!” Melv.
“Jerry, please. They’re kids. They can’t see this. They can’t understand—” I mutter, head rolling, trying to keep my shoulders above the back of the couch. He’s stalking towards me – power, lust, anger and pride in his eyes. Tori’s right behind him. I know he should stop this, but deep down, I’m glad he doesn’t. He’ll beat the shit out of me if we agreed upon it in front of anyone –
I’ve never loved anyone like him.
“Jerry, let’s show them anal sex. They don’t get it right –” He slaps me so hard I feel my teeth break. My head hits off the glass table – rolling, I stand up, stumble over the table, and hit my head on the carpet.
I hear him panting behind me – the kids’ screaming is one non-stop impotent wail. Pulling myself up, I stumble for the bedroom – if he takes me there, maybe they won’t see me –
“Get away from her you monster!” Tori screams.
Jerry leaps over the couch and reaches for me – I scream as he yanks on my air –
I turn to spit in his face, punch him, pin him – anything to stop his horny ass and let the kids escape. But as I strike at him, he trips.
His eyes are wide as his head smashes into the glass table. A deafening crash fills the entire room. Glass is everywhere, like a bomb was wrapped in a window. Glass in the wall, glass in my feet, slicing my big toe, blood mixing with polish.
A thunderous shattering, and the only sound is Jerry crying.
There’s a large glass shard sticking out of his forehead, nearly an inch down from his scalp. He’s looking at me eyes wide, his body’s shaking. I run over and put my arms around, I rock him in my arms, and kiss his head.
“The… girl,” he says. He points, a trembling bloody finger.
Tori’s on the ground, a much smaller piece of glass sticking out of her leg, bloodying her skirt, and dripping red onto her socks.
“Melv,” I say calmly as possible, “Call a paramedic. Tell them there’s been an accident, give them the address—”
“I have some first-aid crème in my backpack,” Melv says.
“Melv!” Tori screams, and throws a cell phone at him. It goes past him, and skitters to the door. He runs after it. Tori turns her head to us, trying not to cry, trying not to bleed.
“I don’t… understand,” she says.
I crawl over Jerry, and cradle her head with my right arm, my left under Jerry.
“Couples are different,” I whisper and hug her. “We have an understanding.” She breathes heavily for a while, picking at her leg.
“Is that…okay?” she asks, smoothing out her skirt. She pulls out the abstinence oath, and uses it to try and stop the blood. She presses it over her wound –
Melv runs over, and puts the cell phone back in Tori’s pocket: “The paramedics are coming. It’ll be a couple minutes.” She nods, and he kisses her. “I love you,” he blurts out, his face sweaty and goofy. She kisses him again.
I look over at Jerry, he’s smiling, blood dripping over his eyes. I wipe his forehead with my fishnet vest.
KNOCK – KNOCK KNOCK –
“Ma’am, could you please open the door? This is the police.”
Tori backs up against a wall without thinking, then yelps as she rubs her leg. I turn towards the door –
“What’s going on, officer?”
“We received a disturbance complaint. Can you open the door please?”
Slowly, head rushing, I stand up, walk over to the door, feeling the crunch of glass under my bare feet, ruining my carpet. I open the door –
A good-looking young cop, probably hasn’t been on the force too long: Officer Huffington.
“You must be my neighbor’s—”
“Nephew,” he sharply cuts me off. “She’s been complaining about a lot of noise—”
He walks into the apartment. The glass is much louder underneath his boots.
“What happened?” he says, without even looking at me.
“Sir, we were—”
He holds up a stern glove: “One of the injured parties, ma’am.”
“Well, you see, officer –” Tori starts, Melv puts his hand on her, she pushes him away: “We were running around and we tripped, and—”
The officer looks at them, and shakes his head.
“Don’t lie, please.”
Tori stands up, leaning against the wall –
“Officer, please. I’m not lying to you, allow me to explain—”
“I don’t have time to hear anymore untruths. Now someone tell me what happened.”
Tori slinks over to Melv, and they hold each other. I can imagine what’s going through both of their heads: “We’re Going to Get Arrested. It’s Going to Go On Our Permanent Records, We Won’t Get Into College—”
I shake my head and smile.
“Officer, my boyfriend and I participate in an elaborate and violent love game, where he breaks in and rapes me, despite my protestations. My cousin and her boyfriend picked a bad time to visit. In his pursuit of me, my boyfriend, Jerry—”
Jerry salutes Officer Huffington from the floor.
“Jerry dove for me and smashed into the glass table. My cousin Tori tried to, as she believed, ‘save me.’”
The officer shoves his hand in my face again: “Is this true?”
We all nod
“Have the paramedics been notified?”
“Uh, just moments ago there, officer,” Melv says, holding up Tori’s cell phone.
“Do you want to press charges?” he stares at Tori. She shakes her head.
“Me neither” Jerry says, and winks at me.
Officer Huffington glares at me. He looks like his aunt, same beady eyes, natural sneer. He’ll get fat soon and wear floral print shirts.
“There’s nothing for me to do here.”
As I close the door behind him, I hear Mrs. Huffington chewing him out in the hallway.
“Paramedics should be here soon. Should already be here.”
Tori stands up, and hugs me: “I’m okay, it was just minor.”
“You sure?” I ask.
She laughs: “I’ll tell Aunt Bitch, I mean, Aunt Beat, I tripped in the park.”
“Nice meeting you,” Melv says to Jerry, and sticks out his hand. Jerry laughs at him.
“Hey,” I whisper, leaning into Tori’s face. “If you can’t lie to a cop, and you can’t tell the truth, maybe you aren’t ready for sex.”
Tori looks at me.
“But what if he—”
“No. No. No you aren’t. Either lie or tell the truth, then you can think about it.”
She looks at me, her face falls a little, then she nods. Acceptance.
Melv touches her shoulder – “Hey, we should probably get going—”
She shoves him hard, into the door. I’ve never seen someone more shocked.
“I’ll go when I’m ready,” she smiles at me, then glares back at Melv: “Or I’ll kick your ass.”
She opens the door, and Melv runs outside – she smiles at me, and nods: “Thank you. Both of you.” She closes the door.
“Anytime,” Jerry says, trying to pick at the piece of glass in his head. “So,” he says, “Now what?”
I lean down next to him, and lick his ear: “The paramedics aren’t here yet.”
“So?”
“So, I’m going to rape you,” and I grab him by his crotch and lift him onto the couch. I kiss his mouth to muffle his yell. As I rip off his pants, he beats me in the head with the “I’m a Lil’ Country Girl.” One of my teeth falls out, onto the glass, and the carpet. I make a mental note to pick it up afterwards, and put it in our heart-shaped box of candy.
And then I grab the hammer.