You're all going to die and here's how:

By Joel C.

Take a look in the mirror. Seriously, take a long meaningful look at yourself. Connect with yourself and embrace your own frail nature. Now realize you are going to die probably sooner rather than later. If you're like me, you probably drink too much, abuse to many recreational drugs, and consume the worst food possible. Your body hates you (as does everybody else's) and is hell bent on wrecking your world.

Based on your race and gender you can get a pretty good estimate of how you're going to meet your maker. Besides untimely death at the hands of chainsaw wielding maniacs (RIP sexy teens), city buses (RIP kid from Final Destination), auto-erotic asphyxiation (RIP Mr. Hutchinson), or overdose (RIP Mr. Staley) that can happen to anyone, we will only consider problems that are more prevalent in one group over another

Individuals of Mediterranean decent generally have a lower risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol when compared to other groups. Lucky bastards! This is most likely due to a diet rich in antioxidants and omega-3 fatty acids (the good kind). However, individuals of Mediterranean decent have a much greater risk of something called Mediterranean fever (damn, how these geniuses come up with these amazing names, I'll never know). With this disease the membranes that line the inside of the chest become severely inflamed and lead to severe pain, fever, and eventual kidney failure if not properly treated. It is unique to those of Mediterranean decent who have a certain recessive genetic trait. The difficult thing with this particular ailment is that diagnosis is often confused with other disease states such as an inflamed appendix or other general gastro-intestinal problems. Certainly not the best way to go, suffering through excruciating pain and not knowing what the hell is going on.

Unfortunately for my African-American readers out there you have an increased risk for damn near every disease when compared to other groups. Personally I believe "The Man" is responsible for this, but that will be a lecture for another time. Sickle cell anemia is probably the most commonly associated disease in African-Americans, but certainly not the biggest killer. Try heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, and a rate of prostate issues that nearly triples that of any other group and you have a recipe for disaster awaiting you. Certainly inadequate access to proper healthcare lies at the heart of these statistics, but again I'll leave my liberal politics for another time.

As for most of my Asian friends out there, alcohol is not on your side. Studies have shown that a high percentage of people of Asian decent are considered slow metabolizers of ethanol. Translated into plain English this simply means that when the individual consumes booze they have a much harder time sobering up after a night of hard drinking, and also get drunk much easier than most other races. Remember this if you are looking for a cheap date. So while this may seem like fun, it also leads to an increased risk of liver damage such as cirrhosis. In addition Asian females also run an increased risk of coming down with osteoporosis. So while one isn't going to necessarily die from a broken hip, it sure is a pain in the ass, and complications associated with it can eventually lead to death.

Lastly for the Caucasian Americans out there, you're probably too fat. Get off the couch, get out of your ridiculous SUV that's compensating for something you may be lacking, stop eating so much fucking fast food and actually take control of your life. Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Anyhow the most likely way you are going to die is through some form of coronary event such as stroke, heart attack, or embolism. Beyond that the usual suspects such as cancer of damn near anything, general organ system failure, or death by misadventure can also occur, but these are certainly not unique to whitey.

With that all laid out for you kick back and prepare yourself for the big dirt nap. Stop worrying about the details of how you're going to die, its going to happen soon enough, just enjoy the ride in the meantime. Oh and don't worry about the afterlife. If you're reading this publication, you should already have a pretty good idea where you are going to end up anyway. Until next time loyal reader.

Email: apothecary@deekmagazine.com