An Experiment & Romeo y Julieta Rothschild

by Ralph "Bucky" Gainsborough

When I heard that Deek was interested in Race for their next incident, I jumped at the opportunity to take on a project I had wanted to try for some time: Going to bars and seeing whether or not people of different ethnicities drank stereotypical alcoholic beverages. This project had been very appealing since it would allow me to leave my home and get drunk on a fairly regular basis. Sadly, the results are not quite as "scientific" as most such studies since I cannot remember the vast majority of my experiences, but nonetheless the results were startling:

I began with the following list, which I wrote on a soiled cocktail napkin that I found on the ground: White -- Budweiser, cheap California wine, wussy-girl drinks (e.g. Zima), Whiskey; Black -- Old English, Colt 45, Hennessey, Courvoisier, and Alizee; Hispanic -- Dos Equis, Corona , Rum; Asian -- Sake, Kirin . I continued, breaking each stereotype into age, income and frequency-of-consumption groups. Staying up nearly four days in a row and blowing nearly $500 on booze (on Deek's tab, thank you very fucking much) I realized some startling results whilst poring over my extensive (read: covered with many different flavors of liquor) findings.

People drink what's cheap. Money is the grand equalizer. All hail the happy hour special! The key to everlasting racial harmony! I am now certain that every problem in life can be solved by waitresses from Bangor to San Diego who peddle fine beer and well drinks at a discount price at certain times on certain days. These Stewards of the Brew should be revered, not discarded with below minimum wages and taxed tips; they should be running the fucking show! This is the solution to our cultural inequities and quibbles! Get everybody fucking mothered! But I digress, as is my wont. Here's a review.

Romeo y Julieta Rothschild (4.5/5)

$5 at Pittsburgh Cigar Bar, Market Square

I tend to like a smaller cigar when I'm late for something, and this multi-purpose, tasty little number got me to the football game on time. I couldn't be late because I needed to stand outside as people were entering and warn them of the perils of allowing a man in a yellow jacket to thoroughly search you for drugs, WMDs, and outside food. My protest was ultimately unsuccessful since I was thrown into the Allegheny River by those same pesky yellow-jackets upon the distribution of the first ten "They're Out to get YOU" pamphlets. But more about the Romeo.

Truly, as my old cigar guy Larry used to say (before the unfortunate incident with the trained seal and the meatballs), "It's a nice, mild smoke." The best thing about a cigar like this one is that it carries the prestige of a lower-upper level brand at a lower-middle level price. Definitely a fixture as a gift when someone you kinda like - but don't really know that well - has a kid, or something.