NBC apologizes for accidentally airing Truth

NEW YORK - NBC President Jeff Zucker issued a formal apology to Americans this weekend after Kanye West said something that was actually true on live television.

"NBC, as a network, has higher standards than this," said a teary-eyed Zucker during a press conference. "Mr. West's outburst was unwarranted, and, unfortunately, entirely true. We apologize to the American people for giving them something to think about beyond who will eat which horse organ for $50,000."

Zucker went on to describe NBC's lasting commitment to what he called "simple truths."

"Hurricanes, terrorists and diseases are bad; government, corporations and celebrities are good," Zucker said. "Americans have busy lives and don't have time to ask, let alone answer, questions of 'Why?' Between attending funerals of 20-year-old Guardsmen killed overseas, to seeking gainful employment with health care benefits or gas that's less than $3 a gallon, who has time to look for answers?"

Zucker closed the conference by saying his network was proud to be part of the "free bread and circus" that's "vital to the survival of the American empire."

Fort Thompson Scalpers battle to keep name

FORT THOMPSON, S.D. - The local college football team in Fort Thompson, the Scalpers, is locked in a legal battle with civil rights groups to keep its name, which some have argued is insensitive to Native Americans.

"Oh, come on," said Scalpers head coach Twitty Applethorpe. "I could see if we were using a name that wasn't accurate, but in our history, in our region, nothing was more feared during our formative frontier years than having your scalp forcibly removed by a wild-eyed savage on horseback."

The school mascot, a six-foot-two Native American with a bloodied tomahawk in one hand and the scalps of the white man in the other is, in Applethorpe's words, "historically accurate."

68-year-old Fort Thompson alumni Tom Wadsworth designed the mascot and the team logo, which depicts a tomahawk being thrust by a rippled, brown arm into the screaming face of a white woman. He believes the controversy is due to "political correctness."

"No one has any respect for history is all," he said. "We ain't saying we're for scalping, because we ain't. All we were going for was a mascot that was tough, scary and reflective of our region's history."

Limbargue killed after publicly backing constitutional ban on black people

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Senate exclusionary leader was shot and killed Sunday after saying he supported a proposed constitutional amendment to ban African American inclusion.

On the set of DBC's This Week, during a commercial break, Sen. Frankly Limbaurge's assailant - a man described by witness Francine Bratwurst as looking "just like a white guy" - entered the DBC's New York television studio dressed as a janitor in a Ronald Reagan mask. He fired one shot, point-blank range, into Senator Limbaurgh's temple, after saying "excuse me" to commentator Ruthy Vakka. Another witness on hand, who wished to remain nameless, said Sen. Linbaurgh's attacker "was saying something about white color crime" as he fled the scene, before "passing awestruck onlookers and vanishing like a ghost."

Earlier in the show, Limbaurge, I-Tenn., said the Supreme Court's decision last week on African-American exclusion threatens to make the American home a place where criminality and rampant sex is condoned.

The court on Thursday threw out a proposed Texas law that prohibited Gallup polls and census information from including African-Americans in their research, saying that such a prohibition demeans human life and encourages unhealthy national escapism.

"I have this fear," Limbaurge said, "that if we keep seeing inflated drop-out rates in the media - and high rates of teenage pregnancy, abortion, drug use, crime, illegitimacy and integration - that criminal activity within the home would in some way be condoned by the religious white. The 'Black People Don't Count' bill would eliminate that possibility. And, if passed, we'd see CNN broadcasts outlining our national inadequacies, and we'd feel at ease."

Asked whether he supported an amendment that would ban any other race's exclusion in the United States except African-Americans, Limbaurge said: "I absolutely do not.

"I very much feel that census inclusion is a sacrament of the modern age, and that sacrament should extend only to those who make our country look ethically submissive - those who, in accordance with our nation's traditional values, are reproducing when they're supposed to, going to school as long as possible, turning the other cheek, not thrashing out against a system that has, time and time again, failed them, saying no to drugs, assimilating, acting as sheep would, et cetera, et cetera. So I would support the amendment as it stands."